"let's play this game called 'WHEN YOU CATCH FIRE...'"

a;sldgh;sdlgjiwoierjg;osljglsdkj. I wanted to write so much more about my weekend with Travis and Ryan, reflecting on it, how seeing Travis again has helped remind me so much about who I am and what I'm living for, but.... something has happened.

Alyssa called me last night to tell me that her and Adam are now together. Dating together. Relationship together. And that they've been that way for a month and a half and that it's not love yet but that she really really really cares about him.

I can't even get into it right now because I'm so angry and hurt and disgusted and shaking and crying and overfuckingwhelmed. I was speechless when she told me. I then told her that I had to talk to Adam about it. That he had to talk to me about it. And then I told her that our friendship was done. And hung up the phone.

Arielle called them both in the intermediate and told Alyssa to her face and Adam to his voicemail what pieces of shit they were. She was crying herself. She feels so betrayed by Adam. Even when he broke up with me she still was convinced he was a good guy and was ending the relationship for healthy reasons. She hates him now. Because he hurt her too through this.

Adam then called me, and we spoke for the first time since the night we broke up. He had nothing to say to explain himself. He tried apologizing and I told him not to bother because he ISN'T sorry he's doing this. He said that it just sort of happened and he doesn't want to pass up opportunities that present themselves. Because he wants to be happy and he just... wants to do what he wants. And that this isn't to spite me, that it's not about me. Too bad that I was a factor in the decision, and I'm so fucking glad that I was expendable enough in both their lives to decide that my friendship to Alyssa was worth sacrificing and that a potential friendship with Adam was worth sacrificing. I feel fucking sick. I've felt so fucking nauseous all day because I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.

I was so... fucking broken on the phone with him last night, Meaghan. I tried and succeeded in keeping it together as far as not FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT goes, but I was crying and mildly irrational and... so hurt. I'm still so hurt. I'm crying right now. I don't even know what to say, what to think.

We just... we talked about how I can't fucking believe that he just got over me so quickly, that he thinks that he's able to embark on ANOTHER relationship right after the worst breakup in the fucking world. He made me feel like our breakup was all my fault, and like he had no part in it, like I was the one that completely fucked up. AND THEN HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME THAT HE STILL WANTS TO BE FRIENDS SOMEDAY. I said something like "It was going to be a long fucking time coming before I could be friends with you BEFORE I heard this news... now.... it's going to be even longer. Don't hold your breath." I got vulnerable with him. I told him about how I'm NOT over it yet, and even though I'm still pushing forward, and I'm starting be happy again... that I can't deal with him and Alyssa being together. I just fucking can't do it. She updated her facebook today today "in a relationship" and I PROMPTLY blocked her. I can't see it, I don't want to see it, hear about it, anything. I didn't ask details. But I know for a FACT that they're fucking. Because Alyssa has zero self respect and in a way, neither does Adam. (That's what Karin said to me last night and it makes a lot of sense.)

I wish I could like.. recount the entire conversation to you. I just... it was probably the last conversation I'll ever have with him. So I told him I was sorry for everything I did that caused us to break up. I told him to just... try and kick ass at life, and to take care. He told me the same. But not once did he say he still cared about me.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck........... I wish I could call you right now. I called Travis, Jessy, Ryan, and had a text conversation with Karin last night. Because I need my friends right now, I need to know that Team Adrienne is out there even though they're not immediately present.

The only good thing from this is that I know where I stand now. I know that I mean nothing substantial to the people who I used to hold in highest regard. And I know now that I can cut the fucking cord and walk away, for good. I'm so glad I started this new life in New York. I don't know what I would be doing right now if I was in Pittsburgh. Probably crying every day and flunking out of school and fighting with Jess and Michelle. I'm so so so glad I'm here. Because being here and watching myself overcome these adversities and create a life here is reminding me of who I am, and I'm amazing. I'm fucking strong and charismatic, I care about the people in my life who are as devoted to loyalty and friendship as I am. I WILL get through this, and Adam and Alyssa will get what's fucking coming to them. Hopefully that involves some sort of sexual disease, or maybe getting arrested for weed. Who knows. But it will come, and I'll fucking laugh.

I just... can't get past how different they are. The Alyssa I know would have done this, yes, but never to ME. And the Adam I knew? His best friend had sex with one of his exes that he wasn't over, and he was broken the fuck up over it. He never fully forgave him. Well, look what they've done. SAME DAMN THING OMG HAHA! Alyssa's stuck in this "I do what I want!" phase. Well you know what I realized? If you're always making decisions with selfish motivation, what the fuck are you going to have to offer other people? Nothing substantial or trustworthy, that's for fucking sure. That's why I know that I'M BETTER THAN HER. And I hope that Adam is thinking of me while they're having sex, cause Lord knows I'm better looking. And I hope that Alyssa is dreadfully unsatisfied sexually with Adam, because she loves big penises and IT'S TOO BAD THAT ADAM'S ISN'T. I've never felt so angry and vindictive and spiteful in my entire life. I want to break their fucking faces, I want to drive to Penn State and set Vairo Village on fire. Normally I don't like feeling hateful and despising but right now, I'M FUCKING JUSTIFIED. I've never been so justified in my entire life.

I miss you. Come home now please? Ugh. I'm driving the fuck out PA the week you get back, and.... we're just going to have to figure out our lives. You'll need to get reacclimated to the States and I imagine you'll probably want to change some shit in your life... and me.... change is inevitable with all the bullshit people and parts of life I've had to shed lately. At least we have each other, always.