"we admit to the truth, we are the BEST at what we do"

meaghan... you drunk weirdo... you DID drunk dial me. hahahaha. i just didn't answer because i was passed the fuck out exhausted from driving 8 hours out to pittsburgh and slept through the phone ringing. but yes.. i woke up with 3 missed calls from you and a short yet extremely intoxicated voicemail, and when i talked to nick he said that he was supposed to relay a message to me from you about how "tell her i love her more THAN LIFE ITSELF!!!" so don't you worry...

my life right now is just... hysterical. i think i catch myself saying "life cracks me up" at least twice a day. i think my last post left off before last weekend. so we had a party at meghan's apartment the friday before last with all our barnes&noble friends. i was especially stoked to party because earlier that day... I GOT PROMOTED AT AE!!!! yes, i am now their new lead cashier! FINALLY!!!! i got my keys to the registers and lockers and cashwrap drawers this week, and i get to sign off on returns and deposits and train new kids how to ring and generally kick ass. I'M SO EXCITED!!! i also get a raise but that's not going to get processed for like another month.

so back to last weekend.. quick rundown of who was there as a reference guide for you.... me (duh), meghan (allstarfriend), colleen (unbelievably sweet girl who is really good friends with meghan and starting to become good friends with me too), johnhughes (gay john who is the other allstarfriend), ted (23 year old dry humor drinking master), chris (ska loving kid with witty humor, meghan has/had a HUGE crush on him), kevin (yet another gay friend, really sweet kid, class A drinker) and his boyfriend nathan, pete (once juvie deliquent, now excellent drinker/glassjaw loving rad dude), and meghan's friend amber who brought a TON of people.. at least 8 or 10, and very few of whom i remember. i funded the party because meghan is really strapped for money right now (she is completely estranged from her parents and supports herself on every level possible), so we bought a couple bottles of liquor, 2 cases of beer... and shit started to get crazy. right off the bat i threw back like 3 shots, and an hour into everything me and colleen were drunkenly doing a rendition of "don't stop believin" complete with dance moves. you know the sort.

so meghan was in a horrible mood that night and ended up drunk crying for a lot of the party (sound familiar? ugh i know the feeling too well) because earlier that day she (in true 4th grade fashion) had a friend kind of fish around chris to see what he thought of her.. and the verdict was... not interested. he is not the first boy to turn her away like this in recent months, and with the combination of other life things going on, she just lost it and was in and out of her own party all night crying to various people about everything. so i hardly saw her, but i knew she was upset. so at one point, i was in her bedroom talking with both chris and ted, and i decided to see what was up for myself. i don't really remember the gist of the conversation but i remember clearly chris saying "i'm a shallow person" in reference to why he wasn't interested in meghan (you've seen the pictures.. she's a larger girl, and that so quickly turns away boys because they all suck and only care about one thing) and i remember telling him that that was so unfortunate because meghan's a rad chick. but THEN chris starts talking about ME... (he was really really drunk, like.. blackout at this point.. i had yet to blackout) he was like "you're by far the hottest girl at this party, if we had sex, you'd be the hottest girl i've ever had sex with, yadda yadda" and i was just like... well, truth be told, i have NO IDEA how i responded to this because selfishly, i love the attention, and i was really drunk, so i'm sure i just laughed and was like "oh thank you!" and then self-shotpicture.

so the night continues with general debauchery, i was drunk drunk drunk, as was everyone else, it was a fantastic party. john hughes showed up late and him and i ended up making out like 4 or 5 times because we always would joke about that while sober and i have no idea how it transpired but there was a really really cute picture of us kissing on my camera the next morning so it was cool because we just crack up about it all the time. he actually made it his myspace default to freak people out (he got so many comments like "WHAT, ARE YOU STRAIGHT NOW???" haha). i doubt you'll get a chance anytime soon to look at the pictures up on facebook so i'll throw a few up here so you can see. i really don't remember anything at all. but i wake up the next morning... IN THE HALLWAY. meghan's apartment has a common room, a kitchen, and then a hallway with everyone's bedrooms on it.. yeah.. i woke up in that hallway. i was completely and 100% BLACK.OUT.DRUNK, because apparently (and this isn't one of those things like when someone tells you what you did and you're like "oh yeah i remember that" ... no. zero recollection of this) ted and meghan found me in my usual position, sleeping with my face on the toilet seat, and apparently they had a hell of a time prying me away from it, so that they eventually picked me up and tried to CARRY me to meghan's bedroom... but they were too drunk to accomplish the task, and ended up dropping me in the hallway, where ted had the brilliant idea of "let's bring the bed to her!" so they gave me a blanket and pillow. in the hallway. i'm one classy bitch. by the way, no one knows for sure if i threw up or not. i didn't FEEL like i had thrown up the night before, i didn't taste vomitty, but they found me in the bathroom anyway..... ???? wtf. so i woke up, checked to make sure i still had pants on (well.. a skirt, cause thats what i was wearing), and realized that i was still drunk! now... remember how i told you i had to drive to allentown for passover? hahahahahahaha. i drove home from meghan's still drunk (she lives like 5 minutes away so it was okay), stumbled upstairs, and had to like.. sit and chill the fuck out for like 2 hours before i could finally get my ass on the road.

so i drove back to allentown, feeling sleepy and hungover. i called meghan from the road to try and suss out the details from the night before and she kept saying "i really, REALLY have a feeling that you made out with chris. i don't know why, maybe its the pictures, i don't know, but i really have a feeling that you did." and of course my first reaction is OF COURSE I DIDN'T! but then.. i thought about it.. and while i really truly was completely blacked out, the idea itself didn't seem too crazy in my head. like... i was thinking, yeah, it probably did happen. but for meghan's sake i was like NO STOP I DIDN'T MAKE OUT WITH HIM!! but she just kept saying "i think you did, i think you did!" but we'll table the final news on that one for later in the story. i also had 9 dialed calls to oklahoma ryan on my phone, so i called him to apologize for my drunken rowdy behavior. he loved it, of course. so i talked to him for like 20 minutes or so, and he's adorable. he texts me like once a week on average just to say hi. i love him. i hear from him more than i hear from any of the other boys i've hooked up with ! (except bryce randomly called me for the first time in like 2 months the other day.... weird right? we're supposed to hang out soon so we'll see how that goes)

so i get to allentown and go to my friend melissa's house (she's one of the jewish family friends who my family is really close with her family and etc) and let myself in and plop down on the couch next to melis and i'm just like.. ugh. hi! her and i caught up for a while and she was disgusted to hear about the adam and alyssa news and then our moms came back and we were all just catching up and whatnot (i told everyone the story about me waking up in the hallway that morning haha) and then we all got dressed and headed over to my friend sam's house for the passover seder. all our families are so close its amazing, they pretty much ARE all family. so i got to see some wonderful old friends and have a nice passover seder with delicious matzoball soup of course. everyone kept telling me that i looked really good, like i'd lost weight, and happy, and etc, so it was nice to hear stuff like that. they know that the adam breakup was devastating and they're all so proud that i've made so much progress from that.

so.. i stayed at melissa's house that night and got up the next day and was supposed to get lunch with AE tanya (the gorgeous blonde one from my party last summer), but she got called into work and had to cancel, so i just showered and got dressed and went to the mall to go visit everyone who was still there. it was so great to see them. i just sat next to the cashwrap on the bench while tanya rang people up and just BSed for like 45 minutes. it was lovely. so then i hopped in my car and drove back to the island after being in allentown for 24 hours.

i don't know how i feel about being back there. i mean.. i got to go to sheetz and obviously that was amazing. seeing my old friends felt really good, too, but i made it a point not to even drive near adam's house or my old house (my parents officially sold it, by the way, to my mom's friend but its officially not ours anymore :( ) because i didn't want to dredge up badness. i had to drive by alyssa's house to go to sheetz but i just gave her neighborhood the finger as i went by haha. seriously though... it really feels like i don't belong in allentown anymore. i mean truthfully, there isn't really anything left for me there. no more friends, except for the close family ones. no more home. and honestly... there were a few points when i was in PA that i was like "i just want to go home" and that sentiment was directed at new york. WEIRD RIGHT? who'd have thought that i'd be feeling that way by the end of just a few months? it just goes to show how impactful this whole.... break from life has been on me. this place means so so so much to me now and i'm unbelievably thankful that i was able to rebound from moving and make a home for myself for REAL outside of pittsburgh. i feel like i can finally close the book on the pain that moving away from allentown caused me and the stress it brought into my life. it really feels like i'm healing from it, and that's amazing.

so i got back to the island and my family was still in allentown because we drove separately, and meghan was dogsitting / housesitting for us so i just told her to hang out with me that night. we made pasta and watched some movies and tried to figure out moreso what happened at her apartment the other night as far as the chris situation goes. she stayed over and we went to barnes&noble the next day to pick up our paychecks and we saw ted working and asked him and he confirmed it - i did, in fact, drunkenly make out with chris. SHIT. i felt so bad because that was so so so shitty of me, to do to meghan, but she just kept trying to laugh it off and like "i'm not mad at you, i'm not, i promise!" but i could tell she was definitely upset by it. and i just kept apologizing and sjg;wiejgpoi;agjslgj;sd. like what else can i do, you know? i don't think she was mad like at ME specifically, because she knows how fucking retarded wasted i was, but i think she was just upset that he made out with someone that wasn't her.

so... i'll pick up that story in linear order, because the next thing in line to tell is... PITTSBURGH! i drove out to allentown on monday night and stayed at melissa's again so i could get my car registration renewed and the inspection sticker renewed on tuesday before i got on 78 to drive all the way across the state. you already know the story about the speeding ticket, but honestly i don't even really care about it, i didn't even freak out when i got pulled over because i was like "fuck this, all my shit is LEGIT, i'm just gonna get a ticket for speeding and nothing else and i have the money to pay for it anyway so no big." and no big it was. it just sucked driving no faster than 75 the rest of the way to pitt.

it was a fucking beautiful day that day and driving down 376 with 96.1KISS on the radio just made me so fucking happy. i missed pittsburgh... fuck, who am i kidding, i MISS pittsburgh. i drove up to lothrop to pick up nick and i literally put my car in park, jumped out and ran over and dove on him with a huge huge hug. i missed him so much. him and i were chatting like crazy like it hadn't been 4 months seen we've seen each other. we got to 367 and went downstairs immediately to start pulling my stuff together and moving it out to my car. nick seriously wins for most amazing person ever - he helped me SO much with packing my stuff up and then he pretty much singlehandedly packed my car up for me too; i was anticipating needing both days in pittsburgh to get my stuff together and my car packed up, but we had almost everything all set by the time we went to dinner that night. amazing! during this process we paused to talk to michelle and kate, respectively... and god, it actually was so so so good to see them again. i don't even really know what to say about it except that they too were like "you've lost weight.. you seem so much happier... wow.. etc" and it seemed like they were genuinely glad to see me too, which was amazing. this break from life has really seemed to heal up a LOT of things, and i hope that my relationships with people in pittsburgh will benefit from that. of course, when i saw jess she still couldn't be bothered to look me in the eye, but it didn't even really bother me that much because she's a bitch and she's dumb and i feel like i'm finally at a point where i can just take her or leave her and not really care either way.

jessy and nick and i ate at fuel and fuddle (SLDJG;WALIEJG SOOOO AMAZINGGGG) which is where we talked to YOU!!!!! :) :) :) and then nick had to go study for finals and me and jessy retreated down to my basement to just sit and bullshit and catch up for like 2 hours. she's amazing, meaghan. i'm so glad you brought her into the mix and we really are going to have an amazing fucking year next year. it was so great to vent to her about adam and alyssa. venting to my friends here about that situation is different, because they just... don't know adam and alyssa personally, you know? i just felt like.. more satisfied venting about it with jessy because she knows them and the situation personally and... ugh. it just felt good talking to her about it. she said that she's been talking to dan snyder here and there throughout the semester and that he's disgusted by it, too.... i love dan. i actually texted him on the way back to new york the next day just to tell him that i missed him, i hoped things were going well, and that he was ALWAYS welcome in pittsburgh because the 3 of us (you, me, jessy) wanted to keep him around. he responded! surprisingly enough, and we texted for a little while just to catch up. what a solid dude. he had said to jessy after the adamalyssa thing came to light about how he guessed he couldn't come up to pitt for his 21st anymore, because he didn't want to be a bad reminder for me.... god, that statement is more considerate than ANYTHING i've gotten from anyone at psu in the last 4 months. lieutenant dan for the win. i still want him to come up for his birthday, and i plan on telling him that the next time i talk to him.

anyway... so after 2 hours of catchup with jessy, she went home to study and i crawled into bed with family guy on... one last night in that room felt really good. i love that room. i slept til like 1 the next day, glory glory! got up, showered, headed to campus to mail off my check for my speeding ticket, got an iced caramel macchiato from the cathedral (i ordered a large but he only charged me for a small!! :] ), bought a new pitt cling for my car, and said goodbye to jessy. i then called nick to hand off to him my key to 367, got in my car, and started the drive back to new york (not without a stop to sheetz, of course!!). on the drive back, i got texts from both kate AND michelle wishing me well and just... being really nice!! i was AMAZED, and happy, and just.... felt like i'm making steps in the right direction already out there. man meaghan... s;dlkfjgwejgia;sljg;sl. i'm like overwhelmed with the positive responses i've been getting in general lately. its incredible.

so.... the drive back to new york SUCKED FREAKIN ASS. it took almost 8.5 hours including my stops to pee and get gas and whatnot. suck suck suck suck. but.. i got home, with all my shit in tow, and woke up the next morning early to unpack it all out of my car. my room is now a fucking mess because of it and i haven't had time to even make a DENT in getting it all sorted out. i have a day off on tuesday, i'm gonna try and start then. the rest of the week passed by rather uneventfully, i got officially lead cashier trained and got my keys and felt amazing about it. on friday, meghan and i had a random adventure... our MUSIC MANAGER from barnes and noble is one of the fucking coolest guys i know, i love him to death, his name is dave and he's 30 and GAY. random, right? meghan and him hung out like earlier in the week (which is illegal in terms of work, and if anyone found out both of them could get fired on the spot! scandalous! but not me because i don't work there anymore lol) so meghan and i drove out to nassau county (the western county of long island... i live in suffolk, the eastern one... took about 45 minutes to get there) to hang out at his apartment and drink with him and another barnes&noble friend named chris (NOT the one i mistakenly drunkenly made out with, a different one). they also invited their very very cute friend kevin (NOT gay kevin from the party, a different, straight kevin!) over, who meghan was instantly interested in... like... immediately. so we pretty much just sucked down a lot of liquor and played some drinking games and got like.. solid drunk. not wasty face, disaster drunk, but like... nice drunk. dave and i declared our love for each other and are now married on facebook, dave is completely enamored with our gay john and wants to hook up with him, and both kevin and chris flirted with me ALL night, which.... brings me to talk about meghan.

meghan..... is a strange case. she doesn't like.. talk about this openly, but its quite obvious that she has some serious, serious self-esteem issues. and a lot more deeply seeded issues. it just makes me uncomfortable sometimes because she'll make really negative remarks about herself sometimes and its like... what the fuck do you say to that? it can make it hard to maintain conversation with her sometimes and i hate that because normally her and i get along super well and i don't know what to say when she gets in funks like that. its like nothing i do can help her. arielle is kind of weirded out by her, because you know how intuitive and good at perceiving situations that arielle is, and arielle is like... yo... meghan's got ISSUES. tonight arielle said something to everyone at dinner about how she thinks that meghan wishes she had my life instead of hers, and honestly, it kind of makes sense. she's always talking about how she wishes she had a relationship with her sister like i do, and how she hates that she is so estranged from her family and seeing mine makes her sad, and she's always like "every boy i'm ever interested in, ends up liking YOU." and it makes me so upset because its like.. what am i supposed to do, make my life suck ? last night i legit got upset about it, i was driving her home from the diner and she was texting dave about kevin and how much she liked him, and i was like "oh, what are you saying to dave?" and she said "oh, i just texted him and said 'next time you talk to kevin, mention me... but of course, he'll probably just respond with how much more he liked adrienne instead.'" and i like... had a mini flip out on her, i was like "meghan, honestly, you NEED TO STOP saying shit like that, i really wish it wasn't like this, if there was something i could do to change the way these boys are, i would, but i can't, and its just like you say stuff like that and like, what do you want me to say to that, meghan? there's nothing i can do and its upsetting so can you just stop saying stuff like that?" ugh. i know i freaked her out because she was SUPER quiet on the rest of the drive home even though i tried to talk to her like normally. ugh. she was fine today, i think, i didn't see her but she texted me to tell me about an apartment that she had just looked at, and then later she was like "well we could hang out today if you're not sick of me." its like.... STOP IT!!! i don't even know how to describe it. ugh. it's just...... i really like her a lot, i really do. but stuff like that and i'm deterred. whatever. i don't even know what to say about it. arielle also thinks that she is really jealous of YOU, ironically enough. because you're my best friend and even though you're a world away i still talk about you all the time and etc and arielle was like "are you going to have the me(a)ghans meet? oh man, that will be interesting." and of course i was planning on it... but idk we'll really just have to see how the fuck things are going to go.

point is...... i miss you, come back? and okay, can i just say that i legit got kind of mad when i read that your friends were pissed at you for hooking up with your kevin again? (whats will all the kevins in our lives? wtf) it would be one thing if you were completely hung up on him, like wanting to be with him relationshipwise and whatnot, but you're not... and hooking up with him was drunk and whatever and fun and not something to be irritated about. they don't really have any basis to like JUDGE you on hooking up with him and therefore shouldn't really care. ugh. people are... out there. and as for jared.... oh meaghan. i don't even know what to tell you about jared. i'm kind of on the fence about it. because i am definitely in my "do what makes you happy" mindset right now and i don't want you to feel tied down to him and be inhibiting the rest of your life because of it. but at the same time... i feel like he deserves a chance at least, you know? but i know you, and i know you'll probably need some space right after you get back from your trip, so maybe it'd be a good idea to tell him that you need a few days to detox before you really start like seeing him (physically seeing him.. not dating-seeing him) regularly. that way you'll be able to clear your head a little and when you see him you can tackle the situation with a ready mind. i just want so badly for you to be happy and if jared isn't going to be the one to do it, i obviously don't want you to be with him, you know? jessy and i talked about it too on our evening of catch up and she definitely agreed. she said something like "yeah it sucks if things don't end up working out with them because they were going well before she left, but if she's going to feel inhibited because of him then i don't want her to be with him." so seriously.... you've got us behind you in whatever you do. and i'll be here if you need to try and suss out what the right choice is to make for yourself, you know?

i love reading about your drunken adventures. i hope you know that you're never annoying to me when you're drunk, you're just adorable. the two of us are pretty much perfect together everytime. i was about to kill you when you were telling your story about maybe losing your camera but finally relieved when i read that it was safe and sound, minus the missing pictures. i get so involved reading your stories lmao, so don't ever feel bad if you write really really really long things to me. as far as i'm concerned, the longer the better. i feel VERY special that i may be the only person NOT on your trip that knows the most about your adventures. fuck yeah for me. i'm so glad you had fun in hawaii. fuck, who am i kidding, I'M SO GLAD THIS TRIP IS GOING AMAZINGLY FOR YOU. i can't stress that enough. can i stress that more? no, i don't think i can. i can't wait to see your pictures and see kevin for reals on your camera, lmao. i can't wait to move into our new place on meyran. did you know that EVERYONE is living on meyran next year except for pretty much colleen and kristen, and nick? yeah, its going to be fucking ridiculous. your friend amanda is living on meyran too, right? fuckity fuck. i can't wait. i can't wait for this summer.

so i have some quick housekeeping things to say... i'm requesting off work tomorrow for the 14th-16th of may to come see you. MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO BE IN SAN DIEGO THE 16TH-18TH, which is friday-sunday, and frankly i think that you should just hop in the car with me and come home with me on friday because i'm going to have a party that weekend. hahahahaha of course. and then you could take the train into the city whenever that weekend and hop a bus to go back to PA. i know the money thing is an issue so don't feel bad saying no. but i thought i would offer because i know how much you DON'T want to be at home and i figured that weekend will be before you start work and obviously i want every second with you i can take! plus you can duhhh be here and party with my new friends and meet everyone. its just an idea :) i'll probs have to work at least one night if you do decide to come but hey arielle fisher will be here and would probably be stoked to hang out with you. so yeah.. i know its obviously a long shot but give it some thought yo! also - about eric? yeah i don't know why he's sucking at getting back to you.... he definitely didn't get a new phone and he wrote on my facebook wall TODAY so he pretty much has no excuse for not saying anything to you. if i talk to him like for legit anytime soon i'll say something about it. but yeah i wrote on his wall today to tell him i'd be out in 2.5 weeks. JUST TWO AND A HALF WEEKS UNTIL I MOTHERFUCKIN SEE YOUU YEAHHHHH!!!!! (speaking of caps... when you wrote "I WANT TO REMEMBER THE PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in your last email... i pretty much urinated from laughing. i fucking love you, and i want you to also remember the pizza.)

so here's where i sign off because i'm wicked exhausted and have to work tomorrow... right on. i'm sorry it took so long for me to write back but i've been ridiculous busy with work and social life and i wanted to sit down and REALLY write to you instead of just a quick blurb. i want to keep you caught up on everything with me as you're keeping me caught up on you! SOOOOO good luck with your ONE final tomorrow and please please please try not to go insane on your next 6 days at sea. so write me back whenever :) and i will get back to you as soon as i possibly can. i only have one job now and this is the first week that i will be enjoying the free time that quitting barnes and noble has allowed me to have, so i'll try and post some (more!) pictures on here and hopefully you'll be able to steal an internet moment or two to have them load. I LOVE YOU BABYGIRLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!



random notice - the closest sheetz to me here on long island IS MY SHEETZ IN ALLENTOWN. A;SLDKJGPOWEIJGAOPIJLSJG. but, i discovered that there is a sonic like 15 miles away from pittsburgh... we are going to have to investigate that one!!

"our time is almost, our time is almost here"

okay - you're going to fucking kill me, but i went to request off for the 16th - 18th weekend... AND ITS ALL BOOKED UP. like too many people have requested off already. a;sldjg;owiejalsjkgjsd. so i was thinking maybe i could come up like wednesday thursday friday of that week, but then i realize you probably really need a few days to like.. chill the fuck out, lol, so maybe we could do like... sunday monday tuesday? its up to you - the last thing i want to do is like impose on your life especially if you need serious detox and reflection time so just let me know and it shall be done. if you pick the latter one i will definitely try and take off saturday NIGHT so i can at least get there saturday night and maybe we can do something involving partying. i'm honestly quite okay with not even drinking that much while i'm there because seriously i am just looking so forward to just HANGING OUT WITH YOU again. so let me know. i think the latest i can take off for those days is like the first week in may so there's some time to figure it out yo.

uhhhh i have not much else to report haha. i'm going out to pittsburgh next week for one fucking night because i got 2 days off in a row without even asking for it and i'm taking advantage of it... listen to how retarded this is going to be. we're going to allentown saturday, and i'm leaving sunday night and heading back to the island because i have work on monday...... and then i'm going to drive back west again tuesday fucking morning to pittsburgh for one night to get my shit out of 367, and then back to the island on wednesday night. its going to be such a waste of gas but i seriously cannot fuck around with my schedule because i'm THIS CLOSE to getting promoted and any excessive time i take off work or mess with my schedule is going to reflect poorly on me. good thing the corolla gets awesome gas mileage. and yeah - about being THIS close to getting promoted - my 2 managers apparently had a conversation with our district manager about promoting me the other day - so that shit is in the works and good fucking god i hope it happens. i kick so much ass at that job and i want to be recognized and rewarded for it.

aaaand not going to lie, i've got a teeny buzz going on, my friend ali from AE and i went to buffalo wild wings tonight (tuesday and thursday they have 50cent wings !!) and she's 21, so she ordered a drink, and our cute waiter didn't card her, so i ordered a nice, cold, huge refreshing beer. yum. i love not getting carded. we just need to find a bar in sellersville that won't card so i can go out with you and griff and eric when i come to visit. haha! or maybe i'll just ask jared to have a party at his apartment. lmaoooo :) nooo i won't do that that would be so rude of me hahaha.

umm yeah so at the restaurant tonight i told ali your story about japan and "losing" your key and she nearly busted a gut laughing. which i did as well when i read that. you told it so fucking perfectly and i definitely was like cracking up while reading it. that's such a meaghan move and i love it. it reminds me of the time that i fake cried that night with justin and our 12 pack of millerlite. hahahahahahahahahah. i cannot fucking wait for more pittsburgh shenanigans. you and i are going to go broke from going to the bar this year.

speaking of going broke, what are you doing this summer for work? i guess you probably have no idea yet. i know you said at one point that you really didn't want to go back to dock woods but i think you and i both know that you'll end up there at least for the first part of the summer lol because you'll need to work like.. right away. JUST TAKE OFF WORK THE WEEK OF MY BIRTHDAY :) if you could come like june 2 - 5th or 6th that'd be amazing. i know you said that your mom's birthday is on the 6th, but i think that our best bet for a good nyc club night is thursday night (which is the 5th), so maybe i'll ask my parents for a hotel room in the city on thursday night as a birthday gift, and then you can hop the bus on the morning of the 6th and head back to pennsylvania. i assume you're taking the bus anyway, because who knows how well urnie would hold up on the drive to the island. its really easy - you pretty much just find any bus carrier that goes from wherever to the port authority in nyc, then you walk like 7 or 8 blocks to penn station (located right under madison square garden!) and find the terminal for the LIRR (long island railroad), buy a ticket at one of the self serve kiosks, and hop on the train to ronkonkoma. you'll need the last stop on the line and it takes like an hour and 10 minutes, and then i'll be waiting in ronkonkoma to pick you up and drive the 15 minutes back to home sweet stony brook. it only costs like 20 bucks for a round trip ticket from penn station to ronkonkoma and you can use the ticket for the 2 rides anytime within like 90 days i think. we can do a lot of research to find the cheapest bus ticket for you from eastern PA to nyc. and then my parents will feed us abundantly and we'll just dress like hos so we won't have to buy our own drinks at the bars :) i still have to plan this extravaganza. i need to find a good bar that we can spend like the NIGHT i turn 21 in, and then honestly we'll just bar hop on the island for the next 2 days and then have a ridiculous club night in nyc on thursday. ;asldjg;woejgalksjglsd I CAN'T WAIT. let me know what you think of this plan.

dude.... i realized today i have no idea how like... SCHOOL is going for you. how is school going for you?? are your classes hard? lame? frustrating? or excellent maybe? between your emails and blogs i know like everything that's going on in the countries for you but then i'm like.. how the fuck do you even spend your days at sea? haha. OH. and i was worried that i would have to work on the 22nd when you're in hawaii and potentially miss your phone call but i realized just this second that that's the day that i'm driving out to pittsburgh, so i will be ready, willing, and available to take that awesome phone call pretty much the entire day. i'm so excited. i know you'll be like... 6 hours behind me at that point in time so we'll have to allow for that. when are you going skydiving, morning or afternoon??? i still can't believe you're doing that. please don't die. that would be the last thing i need, for you to get maimed in a horrible skydiving accident when you're like two and a half weeks from coming home. in all seriousness though, just be careful. britt and kristen went skydiving too in australia and they're fine so lets keep you that way too.

you know, when you left for your trip i was kind of worried that even though we said we'd write all the time that we wouldn't, because sometimes things just work out like that. even though we were texting eachother until like the last second that you pulled out of port from puerto rico. but i'm so so so so glad that we've kept in such wonderful contact over these last few months. even though you're across the motherfucking world you STILL take the time out to write me (i have 19 pages worth of meaghan emails in a word document) and i seriously just have to say how amazing you are for doing that. i hope you're writing in your journal too, at least a little bit. i can't wait to sit down with you and have like a serious conversation with what we've been going through these last few months. i feel like i've made so many positive steps and have dealt so well with these ridiculous and horrible situations and i'm so proud of myself, and i want to share my stories of accomplishment with you. and.. i just can't wait to hear you reflect back on what your trip has done for you as a person.

i've already started concocting your welcome home mixes.. one of them is going to be a "what i've been listening to lately" mix so you'll have a clue what i'm talking about when i start ranting and raving about music, and the other one is going to be more attuned to what i think you'll like. and of course i have a couple of full CDs i'll need to burn you. cobra starship, for sure. they've been at the forefront of what i've been listening to lately. and a few other randoms. want to go to warped tour this summer? yeah... i do too. :) and yes, we will DEFINITELY plan out a pitt trip. since nick is living in my room i'm sure he'll have zero problem with us crashing on the basement floor and my couch. haha. pitt in the summer is so fun, too. its ridiculously, RIDICULOUSLY hot but that's where the lawn parties come in. of course the last time i made the trip i was with alyssa so that kind of sucks now to think about it but.... whatever. that's the worst part about breaking up with adam and essentially breaking up with alyssa too - since they were such huge parts of my life these past many years, i feel like every story i tell has them in it somehow. and that... a;sligu;oijwalejgas. i just really am working on putting more distance between me now and that life.... and it's working out, slowly but surely.

i fucking love you, meaghan royce. i'm probably going to bawl my eyes out when i see you again. get ready for happycryfest.

" the sounds of this small town make my ears hurt
oh yeah, you caught me.. but i caught you one worse
they say, "you want a war? you've got a war, but who are you fighting for?"
the tides out, the ship's run aground,
& we drown the traitors in shallow water. "

oops

okay - I realized in my last post I wanted to confirm that May 9th - 11th were the days I was gonna come see you... but I'm dumb and that's the weekend you get HOME from Miami. And I think obviously the weekend after works better. So... Fri 16th - 18th? Yessum? Possibly the Thursday as well.

Just wanted to fixxxxxxxx that. Hope to be hearing from you soon <3

"lets kick, push, and coast"

Oh Meaghan. I could never, ever be mad at you for taking a long time to respond. You've got so much other stuff to do on the seas and in other countries and are having the experience of a lifetime and it's completely understandable if it takes a while to respond. And I don't want you to ever feel bad for not being able to physically be here for me in this time of duress because you have nothing to feel bad about. It's not like I felt like I couldn't write you immediately and tell you, because I did. The only thing that sucked is that you were the first person I wanted to call when I heard, and not being able to was frustrating, but it was okay.. I got a hold of the rest of Team Adrienne anyway via phone and heard from you a day or two later. I know we'll grouse about this bigtime when you get home... but for now, I seriously just want you to enjoy your trip and your life and everything. Besides, I have your itinerary bookmarked, and I know right now you're roughly 12 hours ahead of us, so I know when you're on the ocean and will be be responding versus when you're somewhere and probably won't be for a while. Like right now you're in Japan, and it's.... either almost midnight (and therefore Sunday) or almost 2AM there, I can't remember. So I know you'll probably be writing me back Tuesday or Wednesday, when you're back on the ship. And maybe I'll hear from you a few times while you're on the sea during the next few weeks because you've got lots of time between stops. I can't believe you only have 2 left until you're docking in Miami. This semester for sure has flown by for me and I'm sure even faster for you.

Right now as I'm writing this I'm completely fried but I can't sleep - men's floorset was last night (9PM and it ran until 7:30AM) and I woke up like 10 minutes ago and my body just doesn't want sleep for the time being. I've got another one tonight but it's all good, you know how much I love doing those. I've been so proud of my work at AE lately; the last few blogs I've written have been specialized topics but I haven't exactly updated you on like... regular life. Here goes.

I quit Barnes & Noble because AE offered me full time! Well, as full time as it gets - 30-35 hours a week, which, for their store, is HUGE because I'm not a lead and sales associates just DON'T get those kinds of hours. Unless they're me - guess who is their Employee of the Month? Haha, yeah. I'm awesome. Seriously... they're working on promoting me, for sure, and frankly that would be fucking awesome. My one manager, the cute one who is 22, told me that he's pushing SO hard to make it happen. It was hilarious the one night - he called me at like 11:30pm ranting and raving about how one of the other leads narcked on him to our store manager about something stupid and he was like "I just need to know you have my back, I swear Adrienne, I will make you a lead and get you a fat raise, you're amazing, just be on my side about this." It is SO WEIRD how I get phone calls like that at this job, but whatever. The dynamics of that place are so bizarre.. I need to explain it to you in person. (I'm too dazed to try and explain it now.. I wish I could sleep!!!) But... it's just weird. Like.. I sometimes forget that I'm like... employee of the month awesome... and just do my job the way I was taught... and then I get ridiculous praise for whatever I'm doing. It's so bizarre to be recognized for something that I pretty much just feel is like.. commonplace.. but, whatever, if it gets me in good standings with the company and a promotion and everything.. awesome. I'm DEFINITELY transferring to an AE in Pittsburgh this time around, since I don't have a long distance boyfriend to work a schedule around, and duh.. I love the company and want to stay with it. I've made some awesome friends through this job, both in New York and Allentown, and maybe I'll make some awesome ones at the store in Pittsburgh.

The dogs just ran into my room because it's thunderstorming outside and they're terrified. Dogssssss!

Speaking of friends, I'm pretty sure that once we all get back to Pittsburgh, I'll be cool with everyone again. I think a fucking 8 month break from them will do the trick, not to mention I'll be living with you and Jessy and not them. They're staying at 367, which is excellent, because there will continue to be 367 parties, and of course some 254 parties as well :) I'm really looking forward to next semester. I just registered yesterday for classes so I am officially set. I'm basically using this semester to knock off the rest of my gen-eds because I still don't know what I'm going to do about this double English major situation and how I can't do it. I had a pretty ridiculously awesome idea the other night... what if I just like... owned and managed a nightclub for a living? Wouldn't that be awesome? You know how much I love to party and how much I love it when other people are having fun and I just feel like... I could be happy doing something like that. But then there's the whole mess of finding a management study program and switching into it so late in my school career and asldguo;iwej;awjg. It's just something I've been giving some thought. I definitely do want to take bartending classes somewhere next semester though, and you should take them with me. We could be awesome bartenders together and make excellent drinks wherever we go. Or I've been thinking about seriously just staying with AE and moving up through the ranks and eventually getting my own store... I think I could be happy doing that too. I just don't think I want to be sitting in front of papers and reading for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm suited for the customer service business and watching myself succeed at AE and ENJOY my job.. like legit enjoy it.. is something I don't want to let go of.

As for quitting Barnes and Noble, I'm actually legit bummed about it. I have met some seriously amazing people while working there and I really, really hope I'll maintain those friendships. Meghan and John I'll be friends with regardless, because we hang out so much already, but there are a lot of people there who I haven't hung out with much outside of work and would definitely like to. A bunch of us got together and went to the diner the other night and it seriously was just laughs ahoy for like 2 hours straight over decaf coffee and mozzarella sticks. I think we're having another party next weekend in which I will get completely plastered and it will be fabulous. I am also going back to Allentown next weekend for Passover with our Jewish familyfriends... it's going to be interesting, to say the least. I haven't been to Allentown since the fateful last time I ever saw Adam and... as;ligut;woeigjalskjgs. I'm just trying to be positive about it. I get to go to SHEETZ, and Chris's diner, and see some close friends, and stop into AE at the LV Mall and see all my friends there... and it will only be for one night, so if the pain starts to bolster, I'll be leaving in no time. The only thing that's a bummer is that my parents are officially closing on our house on Carole Lane that weekend.... meaning.... I officially, OFFICIALLY will have nowhere left in Allentown to call my own. We are selling it to my mom's friend though, which is nice... but man, it just sucks. New York has been AWESOME to me and I'm starting to really love it here and feel like I have a place here, and saying goodbye to Allentown is just.. part of the process. I feel like.. I have succeeded so thoroughly in what I set out here to accomplish, and technically I'm only halfway through the time that I plan to spend here. I'm so tempted to stay, Meaghan. How ridiculous is that? I never, ever thought that I'd feel happy enough here to want to stay. My friends keep begging me (sort of jokingly) to stay, and a part of me wants to. But I won't - I WANT to go back to Pittsburgh. I love our school and I love our city and I love all the promise that it holds for next semester. I love the fact that we're living together and I won't pass THAT up for the fucking world. It's just.... a fucking weird, yet amazing, situation.

I have been listening to a lot of Lupe Fiasco and watching a lot of One Tree Hill... the first I'm okay with, the second I am completely ashamed of. Haha. But Meghan tricked me into watching it because Pete Wentz and Fall Out Boy were on a few episodes and after watching those... I was hooked. Oh man. No good. I also got a new phone.. it's a Samsung orange slider phone. It's pretty fucking awesome.

As for life... you know... whatever. Been talking to Ryan a lot more than I expected to. I actually texted Eric too about the Adam and Alyssa news and he's been really nice about it. I told him I'd be out in like a month, when you get home, and he goes "Do I get a big kiss when I see you?" Oh Eric. Probably. Haha. I have been battling in my mind whether or not I'll sleep with him if I'm put in the position - part of me just doesn't fucking care and part of me is like... seriously, Adrienne? You'd do that? We'll see. What do you think???

I just want you to come home and to turn 21 and for it to get warm out so I can go to the beach a lot. It was a gorgeous day the other day and I got sent home early from B&N so I went home, spread out a blanket and read in the sun for like 2 hours. It was so glorious.

Britt facebook messaged me about Adam and Alyssa and basically said something along the lines of "this news makes me want to start a war for you." I'm glad to know that pretty much everyone EVER thinks this situation is fucked up. I'm wondering what like... Dom thinks of it, if he even cares. Specifically him I'm wondering about because I feel like everyone else probably thinks its definitely wrong, but Dom is so wishy washy when it comes to just about everything that I'm curious to know what he thinks about it. Lord knows I'll never ask him. I also got a facebook message today from Adam's BROTHER Elliott asking how I've been. That made me smile so hard. He must know how hard this situation hit me and usually Elliott is oblivious to stuff like that; it made me feel a lot better just seeing the message from him.

Oh God, as for you? Meaghan... can I just tell you that sometimes in your messages you'll say stuff and I'll just die laughing, like legit LOLing. Drinking scotch and Coke in McDonalds? Are you SERIOUS? You're fucking insane and I love it because as ridiculous as that situation is, I could so easily picture myself sitting there at the table with you, partaking in the ridiculousness. AND YOU'RE GETTING A TATTOO???? WHATTTTT?? Describe it to me immediately. I am so intrigued by tattoos and would love one myself but I will never be able to decide on what I want haha. Are you gonna get it while you're still on the trip or get it afterwards to commemorate it? I hope you can get it while you're on the trip. I feel like that would be awesome, like "Hey check out my lifelong souvenir that I got Semester at Sea!" Haha wow I'm retarded right now. Your comment about Kevin making you feel discombobulated made me die laughing. It's funny how boys can have that effect on people. The stock manager at work, Daryl, can have that effect on me too. He's like my big brother with the way that we interact and joke around with each other, and he gives me life advice all the time, but he's a lyricist/hiphop artist and freestyles ALL the time and so I'm always begging "Daryl, rap for me!" and when he does, he is SO. SEXY. Like.. wow. Haha. And that always discombobulates me too, because I usually have a big smile on my face while he's rapping like a fangirl and usually I like to think we're on the same level as far as interacting goes. He's rapped about me before (and my supposed coffee addiction that he won't let me forget about) and it's just like... YOU. ARE. SEXY. Too bad he's 28, is AE's stock boy for a living and lives with his mom. LOL.

I can't wait to hear about your adventures in Japan, because it will be the last like COMPLETELY RIDICULOUSLY foreign country you'll be in. RIDIC!! You'd better have awesome club stories for me. I'm wondering how NYC clubs will measure up to foreign clubs for you. But the first thing we're doing when we hit a nightclub for my birthday is requesting Please Don't Stop the Music. That's right! I need to dance to that with my lover, aka you. I was thinking it might be really fun to invite Eric and Griffin along one night as well. Even though the birthday celebrations will extend all week. I still have to plan the whole shindig - since my birthday is on a Tuesday, we need to find an awesome bar to go out to on Monday night that will be full of males willing to buy a girl in a 21 tiara drinks all night. Haha. And just to confirm - I will be requesting off the 9th-11th of May to come see you. If I have to work that Thursday night I might just hop in the car after work and drive out that night to avoid traffic entirely and I'll get to Sellersville at like 1:30 in the morning. Hahahahaha. LIFE. I'll probably leave Thursday regardless because a;sdlijgpoweijgsjl I MISS YOU AND I WANT TO SEE YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Just one more month babygirlllll!

Live the fuck up this next month, and kick ass at life (but that's your default setting, because you're always kicking ass at life, at least in my opinion because you're amazing). And I just want you to know that your last response made me feel so much better about the Adam Alyssa situation. Just knowing that I have someone out there as devoted to our friendship as I am is fucking amazing. One of the biggest life lessons I've gathered from this experience is to be devoted to the people in my life who don't give up, and you are one of them. I'm keeping you forever. No arguments.

PS - I have a random gift or two for you as well :) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

"come and skate with me, i'm just a rebel looking for a place to be
so let's kick, and push, and coast"

"let's play this game called 'WHEN YOU CATCH FIRE...'"

a;sldgh;sdlgjiwoierjg;osljglsdkj. I wanted to write so much more about my weekend with Travis and Ryan, reflecting on it, how seeing Travis again has helped remind me so much about who I am and what I'm living for, but.... something has happened.

Alyssa called me last night to tell me that her and Adam are now together. Dating together. Relationship together. And that they've been that way for a month and a half and that it's not love yet but that she really really really cares about him.

I can't even get into it right now because I'm so angry and hurt and disgusted and shaking and crying and overfuckingwhelmed. I was speechless when she told me. I then told her that I had to talk to Adam about it. That he had to talk to me about it. And then I told her that our friendship was done. And hung up the phone.

Arielle called them both in the intermediate and told Alyssa to her face and Adam to his voicemail what pieces of shit they were. She was crying herself. She feels so betrayed by Adam. Even when he broke up with me she still was convinced he was a good guy and was ending the relationship for healthy reasons. She hates him now. Because he hurt her too through this.

Adam then called me, and we spoke for the first time since the night we broke up. He had nothing to say to explain himself. He tried apologizing and I told him not to bother because he ISN'T sorry he's doing this. He said that it just sort of happened and he doesn't want to pass up opportunities that present themselves. Because he wants to be happy and he just... wants to do what he wants. And that this isn't to spite me, that it's not about me. Too bad that I was a factor in the decision, and I'm so fucking glad that I was expendable enough in both their lives to decide that my friendship to Alyssa was worth sacrificing and that a potential friendship with Adam was worth sacrificing. I feel fucking sick. I've felt so fucking nauseous all day because I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.

I was so... fucking broken on the phone with him last night, Meaghan. I tried and succeeded in keeping it together as far as not FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT goes, but I was crying and mildly irrational and... so hurt. I'm still so hurt. I'm crying right now. I don't even know what to say, what to think.

We just... we talked about how I can't fucking believe that he just got over me so quickly, that he thinks that he's able to embark on ANOTHER relationship right after the worst breakup in the fucking world. He made me feel like our breakup was all my fault, and like he had no part in it, like I was the one that completely fucked up. AND THEN HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME THAT HE STILL WANTS TO BE FRIENDS SOMEDAY. I said something like "It was going to be a long fucking time coming before I could be friends with you BEFORE I heard this news... now.... it's going to be even longer. Don't hold your breath." I got vulnerable with him. I told him about how I'm NOT over it yet, and even though I'm still pushing forward, and I'm starting be happy again... that I can't deal with him and Alyssa being together. I just fucking can't do it. She updated her facebook today today "in a relationship" and I PROMPTLY blocked her. I can't see it, I don't want to see it, hear about it, anything. I didn't ask details. But I know for a FACT that they're fucking. Because Alyssa has zero self respect and in a way, neither does Adam. (That's what Karin said to me last night and it makes a lot of sense.)

I wish I could like.. recount the entire conversation to you. I just... it was probably the last conversation I'll ever have with him. So I told him I was sorry for everything I did that caused us to break up. I told him to just... try and kick ass at life, and to take care. He told me the same. But not once did he say he still cared about me.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck........... I wish I could call you right now. I called Travis, Jessy, Ryan, and had a text conversation with Karin last night. Because I need my friends right now, I need to know that Team Adrienne is out there even though they're not immediately present.

The only good thing from this is that I know where I stand now. I know that I mean nothing substantial to the people who I used to hold in highest regard. And I know now that I can cut the fucking cord and walk away, for good. I'm so glad I started this new life in New York. I don't know what I would be doing right now if I was in Pittsburgh. Probably crying every day and flunking out of school and fighting with Jess and Michelle. I'm so so so glad I'm here. Because being here and watching myself overcome these adversities and create a life here is reminding me of who I am, and I'm amazing. I'm fucking strong and charismatic, I care about the people in my life who are as devoted to loyalty and friendship as I am. I WILL get through this, and Adam and Alyssa will get what's fucking coming to them. Hopefully that involves some sort of sexual disease, or maybe getting arrested for weed. Who knows. But it will come, and I'll fucking laugh.

I just... can't get past how different they are. The Alyssa I know would have done this, yes, but never to ME. And the Adam I knew? His best friend had sex with one of his exes that he wasn't over, and he was broken the fuck up over it. He never fully forgave him. Well, look what they've done. SAME DAMN THING OMG HAHA! Alyssa's stuck in this "I do what I want!" phase. Well you know what I realized? If you're always making decisions with selfish motivation, what the fuck are you going to have to offer other people? Nothing substantial or trustworthy, that's for fucking sure. That's why I know that I'M BETTER THAN HER. And I hope that Adam is thinking of me while they're having sex, cause Lord knows I'm better looking. And I hope that Alyssa is dreadfully unsatisfied sexually with Adam, because she loves big penises and IT'S TOO BAD THAT ADAM'S ISN'T. I've never felt so angry and vindictive and spiteful in my entire life. I want to break their fucking faces, I want to drive to Penn State and set Vairo Village on fire. Normally I don't like feeling hateful and despising but right now, I'M FUCKING JUSTIFIED. I've never been so justified in my entire life.

I miss you. Come home now please? Ugh. I'm driving the fuck out PA the week you get back, and.... we're just going to have to figure out our lives. You'll need to get reacclimated to the States and I imagine you'll probably want to change some shit in your life... and me.... change is inevitable with all the bullshit people and parts of life I've had to shed lately. At least we have each other, always.

i'll take my chances on truckstops & stagedives

Oh Meaghan. Here I am like 3 days later, to tell the rest of my weekend which happened.. a week ago. Lordyyyy. I have been working my ass off, as usual, often working both jobs each day... but today, I have the entire evening off and save a few errands that I have to run, I have no plans except to relax :) I'm sitting on my back patio and it's a sunny day, probably around 55 or 60 degrees... it's lovely. I can't wait for you to come visit and spend time here with me. Long Island is.. definitely pretty.

So where was I? The train ride on the second day of NYC....

We didn't really have specific plans this time around and definitely got a later start than we wanted, so when we got to the city again we just spent some time walking around midtown and hanging out, stretching our legs. The weather was great that weekend so we definitely took advantage of it. Eventually we hopped a subway back downtown to Canal Street, which is world famous for selling all kinds of fake shit... fake bags, fake watches, fake glasses, etc etc etc. The guys wanted to get some of that stuff and see Chinatown and such, so do that we did. After a few hours of just wandering around happily aimlessly, we ended up in Little Italy and decided to stop at this ADORABLE restaurant there that has been in business for like 100 years. It was.. needless to say.. a great find. Deliciousssss food, not to mention that I was the only one to order alcohol and guess who got served without getting carded, AGAIN? Granted I did have heels on... but still. I was stoked.

We ended up heading back home at around 9 or 10 because we had to be up early the next day so I could drive the guys to JFK while battling the legendary Long Island Expressway commuter traffic. So we hop a subway back up to Penn and head for the LIRR platform.... all of a sudden, Travis and I glance behind us and Ryan's gone. Huh? So we called him and he's like "I stopped to get some Gatorade, I'll meet you guys at the platform." Okay. We got on the train, which was PACKED, so the 3 of us all had to sit squished next to each other. I sat down first next to the window, Ryan sits down next to me, I glance over at him, and lo and behold... there's a pack of condoms in his hoodie pocket. LOL. I just laughed to myself and opted not to say anything because... well, calling him out on that the night after we hooked up would have been.. probably embarrassing for him. Haha.

So we all just take it easy and chill on the train back home, Ryan had his hand on my leg and my head on his shoulder.. just.. aww. We're all just.. freakin tired but since it's our last night together we of course decide to drink again when we get back my house. But the best part of the train ride was... when we got back to Ronkonkoma (we went out of a different station than the night before because of times), Ryan decided it would be fun to slide down the stairway railing... and he fell.... and the pack of condoms fell out of his pocket. It was all I could do to keep from bursting out laughing, but I kind of maneuvered myself behind Travis so that it wasn't blatantly obvious that I saw. We piled in the car and Travis put on the Academy Is.. and us being the die hard pop punk kids that we are... turned it up to bleedingears level and had a ridiculously loud, heartfelt, emotionally infused singalong. It was just... a beautiful, beautiful drive home. Clear night, windows down in freezing weather but with the heat turned up, I was driving barefoot cause I took my heels off at a red light, and Travis and I were just.. singing to each other at the top of our lungs. It was just.. such a highlight of the weekend and a moment between the two of us that I'll never forget. He's just.. ughhhh Meaghan, I wish I could better describe to you our relationship.. I've been writing about it in my myspace blog a lot lately, and maybe I'll post those entries on here for you to read too...

So when we got home I pulled Trav aside and I was like "Did you see the condoms that fell out of Ryan's pocket??" And he just laughed and was like "Yeah, kid, look what you've gotten yourself into." He knew that we hooked up and he cared to the amount of zero, he was just.. quite bemused. As was I. So we all hung out downstairs in the basement some more, I made more martinis and we finished off the beer, feeling funky feeling
fine..

Ryan had some cigars that he bought at a head shop in Greenwich Village so we decide that now is the perfect time to share them! It was freezing outside so we pretty much grabbed ALL the bedding in the basement (I'm fairly certain this was my idea because I was of course good and drunk at this point in time) and ran upstairs to the patio in which I now sit and lit up the cigars and just... were dying laughing and loving eachother. We then decided that some scotch with the cigars would ALSO be a good idea (and I have no idea who's brilliant idea this was, but again, knowing me.. it was probably mine) so I yoinked some shotglasses and a bottle of GOOD scotch from my dad's liquor cabinet and we all cheerskied and pounded the shots.. and all of us like simultaneously were liek A;LSDKGJ;SOJIG;SLDKJSJD BLECHHHH!!! It was so gross and I'm pretty sure I chased mine with my martini which was just... s;adigjsd;ljgk. So after the shot I literally remember.... nothing. There are some pictures of Ryan & I kissing and just... general drunk photoshoot pictures. But from the looks of it, it was... fabulous and hilarious and perfect and amazing.

I woke up the next morning on the little couch with Ryan and could not for the life of me remember how I got there; for a moment I didn't even recall our jihad to the patio and the cigars and scotch. We were both.. well.. I'm pretty sure we were both still drunk but I didn't really have time to like assess how I felt because pretty much the second I woke up Ryan kissed me and things began to progress again. Travis sleeps like a bear and was conked out on the other couch, so sooner rather than later clothes started to come off of the two of us and... well.... things just.... kept moving. Haha. So we get to the point where Ryan's like "I want you, let's do it, is that okay, yadda yadda" and I'm like "YES, let's have sex, go get the condoms that you tried to hide from me yesterday" and he was like "OHHH FUCK you saw!!!" and we laughed and he got them, put one on, and... bam. Sexytime! However..... we were on the couch and he kept like... slipping out of me, and I could tell he was getting frustrated. So I like.. went to maneuver him back in.. and when I got a hold of his penis.. it was definitely......... not hard. It wasn't completely soft, but it was NOT a substantial erection. So I was like "Babe... you're not even hard..." and he's like "I know, I know, it's the couch, I'm at a weird angle, let's just move to the floor" and I definitely was just.. giggling. And couldn't stop. So he gave me this completely exasperated, frustrated, but "ughh I want you" look and picked me up and threw me down on the floor behind the couch with a blanket on top of us. We start having sex again.... I should say... attempting to have sex again because the poor kid just... lost it even more after we moved to the floor. After entertaining him for probably like 10 minutes or (and doing my own work to try and get him hard again, believe me) I was just like "Ryan babe... this isn't working..." and of course I was laughing so hard because what else am I supposed to do in this situation? Be mad? And he like sat back on his heels and he looked so frustrated and I was like "It's okay... it happens... seriously... are you sure it isn't like... me?" And he looks at me with this look of disbelief like I-can't-believe-you-just-asked-me-that, and he was like "NO. I fucking want you, this is ridiculous, I don't know what's wrong, this has never happened before...." and I was just like Ryannn.... it's okayyyy... and he just kept like shaking his head and was all upset and pissed off and frustrated. I'm sure me laughing wasn't helping because he was like "Why are you laughing at me?!" and I was like "Babe, what do you want me to do, be mad? It happens, its okay.." & eventually I think I got him to chill out about it. We climbed back on the couch and turned on more Family Guy and he goes "I'm going to go back to Oklahoma tonight, smoke a huge blunt, and pretend this never happened." And I just laughed and I was like "It's okay.. you can just make it up to me in July..." (they want me to come out and visit for Ryan's birthday this summer which I'm almost positive I'm going to do) and he was like "You're fucking right I will!" And just... oh man. Hysterical, hilarious situation. And I tried not to be all like "OMG is it me?? Was it me?? Am I doing something wrong??" but the other time I did mention that it might have been my fault he was "No, shut up, you're beautiful" and kissed my forehead. !!!!!!!!!!! So I think the kid's performance problems really did have a lot to do with the alcohol, because shortly after he ran upstairs to go throw up..... I was like man, if I didn't know any better, I'd say I was repulsive. HAHA. He also did say something about how he was kind of nervous with me.... SERIOUSLY? He lost his virginity when he was FIFTEEN and has been with like 10 girls... and you're nervous with ME? Wow. Didn't know I had that effect on boys that weren't Adam.

So that's my big huge story. Travis woke up shortly after and we packed up all their shit and hopped in the car for the drive back to JFK. Ryan was exhausted and hungover so he just passed out in the back while Travis sat up front with me and him and I listened to all our favorite songs from back in the day when the music scene really really meant something to us.

To be continued... lengthily.

"tonight, the headphones will deliver you the words that i can't say"

MEAGHAN. ASLDKJG;OIUJPWOIEJAG;ISJLJS;DLKJGSD.

You are probably going to pee your pants once you're done reading what I'm about to tell you. Be forewarned - this. will. be. extremely. long. I have to like take a deep breath and try and collect myself. I had one of the most amazing fucking weekends since I've been here in New York, and I want to tell you every single detail of it.

I suppose I'll start with a brief overview of my relationship with Travis Palen, the boy from Oklahoma...

Travis and I met on the Internet when I was 14 and he was 15 or 16, through a website called facethejury.com. That was my primo punkrock stage and he stumbled across my profile with the cute picture and profile packed with bands I was into.. he instantly thought "This girl is awesome, I want to marry her!" So he IMed me that very night and the first words he ever said to me where "will you marry me?" And my response? "sure!" ... "who is this?" Haha. Thus spawned a relationship between us unlike any other. We were smitten with eachother in high school, we'd talk for HOURS online, e-mail each other several times a week and have phone conversations that would last anywhere between 3 and 9 hours long every Saturday night (our song is "Saturday," by Fall Out Boy..). We were amazingly close, bonded over our lives and specifically our common interested lay in music; and with that came this really, really deep seeded love and respect for each other that I've never really felt with anyone else. As the years went on our communication became more sporadic than constant, but he drove for 20+ hours to Pennsylvania my senior year to see Fall Out Boy & the Academy Is.. with me. That was the first time we met. The point of the story is, he's been one of my closest friends, albeit a distant one, for a huge chunk of my life thus far and he was one of the first people I called when Adam and I broke up, which is when we started talking about getting together again soon. We decided on this past weekend because Say Anything was playing in the city, and we were going to go... but as it turned out, we didn't manage to get tickets because they were sold out. Travis and his roommate Ryan had still booked airfare to come here anyway, so fly out here they did....

I had done some Myspace stalking the week before they flew out and discovered that Ryan was really, really cute. He's only a few inches taller than me but he's built very nicely, has long blonde hair and is just freakin... gorgeous. So I was pretty excited when I found that out; not only did I get to see Travis but he's bringing someone CUTE!! I friended him on myspace and just sent a message like "Hey, this is Adrienne, Travis' friend, I just thought I'd say hi since you're staying at my house this weekend..." and he responded like "I hope you're ready, because I'm sure not" Aww. Excellent. I drove out to JFK airport on Friday to pick them up and brought them back to the island. Right off the bat we were laughing with each other and telling stories and trading bits of music knowledge and singing... I was sort of concerned that Travis and I would be awkward since we haven't seen each other in 3 years, and that it would be extra awkward with Ryan there, someone I'd never even met, but my worries were dispelled instantly. I was overjoyed to see Travis and definitely hugged him for like 5 minutes straight when they first got off the plane.

Let me take a brief interlude here.. Meaghan, their lives are SO different from ours. So incredibly different. Obviously living in fucking OKLAHOMA is so so so different. But even with day to day shit... neither of them are in school right now, but they have both taken a couple of semesters' worth.. Travis I think has 3 semesters done and Ryan finished 5, I believe.. they live together in an apartment in Oklahoma City and.. umm... they both smoke a lot of weed. Like.. everyday. Like they were griping the whole weekend about how they didn't have any to smoke. I didn't know Travis's habits had gotten to an everyday point, which made me a little antsy at first, but eventually I didn't care anymore and just laughed at them for being so "Ughh I can't wait to smoke!" Otherwise.. Travis works for the state government doing god-knows-what. I think it's just like office assistant shit, but he makes a pretty decent salary and benefits and all that jazz. Ryan, on the other hand, plays poker for a living... like, online poker. Like a couple grand a month income. Whoa. He also works in a private airport as a mechanic. He's not even remotely into any of the music Travis and I like except for a few Say Anything songs, he listens to a lot of old school hip hop and classic rock and tons of gangster music (I made fun of him for trying to be gangster all weekend lol). So just.. their lives are so incredibly different, and it's just.. I know it's NOTHING compared to what you're experiencing right now with being in a zillion different countries, but it's ridiculous to know that two people like Travis and myself can have such a strong bond and be so different. Even personalitywise.. Travis is one of the most pragmatic people I have ever met, and doesn't do much of the sympathy bit.. like when Adam and I broke up, he was like "Okay. That fucking sucks a lot, like.. a lot. But now it's time to do something different and not let this destroy your life." Basically what everyone else told me but more.. directly. He doesn't sugarcoat a THING. Which can throw others off, but.. to me.. it's just Travis. And I appreciate it and love him for it. For the record, there is NO romantic interest between the two of us. Like I said, we were SMITTEN in high school, but it's just evolved into something so much more. He's like.. a hetero, platonic soulmate. Haha. So back to the weekend...

We got back to my house and decided that since the guys had been traveling all day (their transit got so fucked up.. they were supposed to arrive in New York around noon, and didn't end up making it til 5 because of flight delays) and were exhausted that we'd just go pick up a case of beer (Travis is 22 and Ryan, 21), make some dinner at home and chill out before heading into the city the next day. So we did so, I made chicken and pasta (SOUND FAMILIAR???) and we ripped through a case of Bud Light. Since the guys don't drink that often because they're always smoking, I beered them in no time, and Ryan made some remark about how "Jeez, you really ARE in college, look at you put those away!" It was so chill because we were just sitting at my kitchen table with some pop punk station playing on Live365 on the Tivo (so me and Travis were playing name the band lol) and trading stories.. I told Ryan all about the Adam breakup and he told us about how he got arrested in Kansas (which is a hilarious story) and we just kept getting drunker and drunker... we all ended up in the family room together when Arielle got home and I was dancing around and spinning on my butt on the floor with the dogs and the guys were just laughing with me.. it was just.. so nice to hang out with them with awesome music and to feel... like... they were MY friends. And there was a moment with Ryan while Travis was in the bathroom and I said something to him about cuteness and how I could tell he thought I was cute (I was totally kidding) and he was like "Well.. yeah.. I do think you're cute." And I was like "Well, I think you're cute too! So that works out!" And then we just smiled drunky smiles at each other. We all eventually moved downstairs for the night and we were all feeling pretty nice and intoxicated.. I have no idea how this transpired, but I ended up putting on a huge pair of blowup shoes that we had laying around from someone's bat mitzvah.. and Ryan and I started like.. fighting. He wrestled in highschool so he knows all those moves and shit so he was like.. throwing me around and I was just scrapping back at him in my big goofy blowup shoes. I'm sure that had it been recorded in some way it would have been like the dumbest, most hilarious thing ever...(Ryan did take a picture with his camera of me like karate kicking the air with the shoes on) but I just remember thinking like... holy fuck, we are flirting so much right now. So eventually we all just crashed with some Family Guy playing (of course !), Travis and I slept on one couch (not cuddlestyle.. like heads at opposite ends style) and Ryan slept on the other one.

We woke up the next day at like 9 or so, and I got up and showered and came back downstairs and the boys were STILL asleep.. so I was obnoxious and made them wake up. Haha. Travis slept til like 10 or whatever and Ryan got up to shower and get ready when I woke them. There was one point where I was sitting on the stairs in my sweats after having showered with the towel wrapped around my head and Ryan like came up to me and took the towel off and messed with my wet hair and he's like "There you go.. just a little chhhh, chhh (hairspray noise), and you're good to go!" And I just... could not stop laughing. I think right there was when I started to look at him as more than Travis's friend and like... a potential GUY. He was even cuter in person than online, so... eeeeek! Him and I were butting heads in a silly way because he's got a REALLY dry sense of sarcasm and you know how I love to bust balls all the time so I feel like our senses of humor complemented eachother very well. We got along great and asdigjs;digj;woijegsjld THERE IS SO MUCH MORE STORY TO TELL YOU. I'm going to be typing all night, I have work at 7AM tomorrow morning and it's almost 12:30 now and I DON'T CARE because you're my best friend in the fucking world and I want to tell you absolutely everything. Not to mention I want it to be written down too somewhere where I can remember it always....

So we get ready, make some food, I drive over to StonyBrookU to pick up Meghan and we head over to the train station to begin the journey to NYC. It was me, Travis, Ryan, Arielle, and Meghan all together. We got there and got Starbucks (OF COURSE.. there are 2 Starbucks in Penn Station, literally right down the hall from eachother lol) and began the day... the guys were griping about being starving so we hit the streets and found a cute little Chinese restaurant a few blocks down from Penn Station. The guys were like.. googly eyed over NYC. It's definitely overwhelming the first time you go there, and we were all laughing about how WOAHH they were. After lunch we were trying to find the correct subway to get down to Battery Park so we could see the Statue of Liberty, and at one point the guys and Arielle descended downward into one of the stations to see which train it was, and Meghan and I stayed topside.. the conversation went like this...

Me: So what do you think of them??
Meghan: Dude, I totally have a crush on Travis. Like, already.
Me: *laugh*
Meghan: And dude, do you have like.. a thing for Ryan??
Me: No....
Meghan: Are you sure?
Me: ... Nooooo....
*raucous laughter from the both of us*

I guess I was flirting more than I thought. So at that point I was like "Okay, time to back off, I met this guy like less than 24 hours ago.. I don't want to be jumping all over the situation." So I stuck by Travis to avoid potential flirting with Ryan. We took the subway downtown (which was hilarious.. .there was a homeless woman there who, in an attempt to get spare change from people, was just complimenting them over and over again... she looked at Arielle and said something like "GOD DAYYUMMMM CHECK OUT THIS HOT SEXY MAMA OVER HERE!" And then she said something to Meghan along the lines of being a thick sexy mama who likes to eat chicken... only in NYC!) and got out to check out the Statue from a distance on the boardwalk or whatever.. you know that scene in Men in Black where Will Smith sits on a bench all night debating over whether or not he wants to join the MiB? That's where we were. Many many pictures were taken (I'll post a bunch at the end). We then went to Ground Zero, followed by Greenwich Village, followed by a diner right on the outskirts of Times Square because we wanted to take the boys to Times Square when it was night and all the ridiculousness of the fluorescent lights and ads and such would REALLY blow their minds.

PICTURE INTERLUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!
(sorry if you've seen these on Facebook already... but oh well, you can look at them all you want for FREE on here :] )


Travis & me :) at my house the night they got here


the Fisher sisters!!!! Side note - Arielle and I were talking tonight when she was doing the dishes and she was like "Yo, I feel for Meaghan Royce, that story about her sister and that guy... man, her sister must be a bitch!" Haha.


All of us in the subway station.. I think you can figure out who is who without a caption. ISN'T RYAN CUTE???!! He's wearing my hoodie... he wore it all weekend... since he didn't bring a coat... that's why the facebook album is titled the way it is ("you brought a suit but not a coat, can we talk about it?") because Arielle totally called him on it...


Downtown at Battery Park.. the Statue of Liberty is behind us, I wish we would have gotten it in the picture :/


After we took this picture at the diner, we both looked at it and I was like.. "This is cute." And Ryan's like "Yep, it is, we're pretty cute." Hahahaha.


We had a hilarious time at the diner. I sat next to Ryan :) and Arielle was busting out her typical hilarious awkwardness.... there was a situation with a pickle and the man at the table next to us.. I wrote the story out in picture captions on Facebook, I'll copy it here....

here's the story: we're at tick toc diner. arielle REALLY wants a pickle but doesn't want to order one. the guy at the table next to us, where travis' and arielle's eyes are directed, has received a huge pickle with his meal, and has moved it to the side indicating he will not eat it. arielle then proceeds to beg travis incessantly to ask the man for his pickle. meghan even offered him a $1.50 to complete the task.



.. in the end, arielle got her pickle and was VERY excited about it...



& meghan pays up. the end.

Maybe it's one of those "you had to be there" things, but you know how Arielle gets when she's being awkward and funny. It amazes me sometimes how WELL she fits in with my friends. Her and Travis got along SO well. The last time he came to visit, they hardly like.. even interacted because Travis and I had been like out of the house hanging out the whole time. He actually asked me at the airport this time around "So, does Arielle like, talk yet?" And I was like YOU JUST WAIT. It like.. warmed my heart to see them getting along so well. There was one point where Arielle like leaned behind Meghan to give him a goofy face, and Travis just goes to her, "YOU'RE WEIRD!" and we collapsed into laughter. So classic. I wish I could convey to you better just how awesome it was...

So after the diner the sun had pretty much gone down, which meant.. time for Times Square! We were within walking distance so we "hoofed it" (as the Oklahoma boys would say...) the few blocks down and as soon as we got there the guys' jaws just dropped. I loved it. We spent a few hours just wandering around Times Square, going in the random huge stores, taking it all in... eventually around 9 or so we hopped in a taxi and went to this place called Jekyll and Hyde, which is a hilarious "haunted" bar and grill.... well, this is where things start to get sloppy. We had like a half hour wait or so, so Meghan hit the bar (she's 22) and ordered herself a HUGE margarita.. that she got for free since it took the guy at the bar forever to make it.. that she proceeded to let me suck down about half of. Well, I hadn't eaten all day and it was really strong so the shit hit me immediately... we sat down and I was already feeling it. To make matters worse, Meghan & Ryan both ordered Long Island iced teas, and didn't get carded.... so I ordered one too. $9 huge motherfuckin cocktail (and after reading about you drinking in Vietnam and being drunk for like less than $5 I'm pretty jealous) with like 8 different liquors in it.. the three of us only had ONE and we were all feeling pretty buzzed after finishing them. Ryan sat across from me at the table and kept giving me smiles and just... flirting, but not very overtly.

After dinner it was late, probably like 11, and we had an 11:40 train to catch back to Stony Brook so we tried to hail a cab for like 20 minutes, finally got one, and we all piled in with 3 of us drunk and Arielle and Travis like heyyy guys.. we got to Penn Station, stopped into a convenience store to buy a 6 pack for the ride home, and RAN for the train and made it on.. too bad that the train got like HARDCORE delayed. So the 5 of us are sitting in like a little cubby because they had seats that faced each other, and we were just fucking around, drinking, laughing, enjoying each other's company.. shit just felt like it had fallen so thoroughly into place and we were all having such a wonderful time. Ryan and I ended up sitting next to each other on the train and I don't know if it was a drunk thing or not, because I still haven't like.. actually talked to him about this. But he like... put his arm around me, on my shoulders, eventually doing the whole holding me from behind thing... there's a picture of him like kissing my cheek... I was definitely like.. uhhh.. what the hell is going on??!! We were really rowdy on the first train, the one that went from Penn Station to Huntington, and then when we transfered onto the train that would take us back to StonyBrook station (which is 2 minutes from my house), we all kind of sat separately and chilled out. Ryan and I sat together and I was pretty intoxicated at this point in time, as was he, but I remember like... laying on his lap with his arms around me but I couldn't fucking tell you for the life of me what we talked about, if we talked at all.. OH ALCOHOL. It only gets better from here, don't you worry. There's still like a day and a half left to describe...

When we got back to StonyBrook Arielle had to drive because the rest of us were pretty wasted. We got home and I had been telling the boys the night before that I'd make martinis for everyone that night because we had sucked down like more than 3/4 of a case of Bud Light the night before, and make martinis I did. They were pomegranate flavored and delicious, and I wish I remembered more of the course of the night from here on out. Meghan and Travis were sitting on one couch, Ryan and I on the other, Arielle on the floor.. I think we were watching Family Guy and being rowdy and quoting it and such? The usual. BUT THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET PIVOTAL. Since Ryan and I had been all snugglywuggly on the train, we were sitting pretty close on the couch, leaning on eachother and whatnot. And I remember this distinctly.. we were drinking out of Dixie cups because I didn't want to bring down my dad's good martini glasses and risk massive spillage, so I like held mine up to click glasses with him, and he clicked my glass... and kissed me. (I'm sure you knew that was coming.) And then we drank our drinks. And I just remember looking at him and smiling kind of coyly about it. After that.. oh man. We all decided it was time to try and sleep so we hit the lights and Travis was passed out on the couch, Meghan on the floor... but Adrienne and Ryan were not asleep, not by a long shot. I don't exactly remember just HOW long we made out for... but it was a long time. There was definitely some below-the-belt action going on as well, on behalf of both parties. Ualksjg;sldjgoew;ijgs.. Meaghan, he is just... too good looking. Like.. he's skinny, but not scrawny. He's got greatttt arms. And he's definitely at the top of the list for cutest boy I've hooked up with since Adam and I broke up. I was definitely stoked about it. And of course at one point as it has been with every other boy thus far he was like "Do you want to have sex?" and I was like "Do you have a condom?" "No..." "Then no... sorry..." I know at one point after I declined I rambled to him about how when Adam and I broke up I threw out all my condoms and birth control cause I was so upset about the breakup but he claims not to remember this..... so pretty much that night we just made out like crazy, played a little more than that..... can we say Adrienne for the win?

The next morning we all woke up SO late. Ryan and I had woken up a little earlier than everyone else so we were just kissing and being cute again...he told me that because I was drunk I kept asking him while we were making out, "Did you expect this to happen? Did you???" and he was like gently making fun of me for the whole situation and I was just like oh great.. I totally embarassed myself.. and he's like "No, no, I'm seriously just messing with you, I thought you... reacted very well under the circumstances." LOL. So we all woke up, got our shit together, Ryan and Meghan and I went to the grocery store to buy stuff for breakfast while Travis showered (Ryan made some comments about how my hair looked all "wild woman sexy" and Meghan was like "Hey guys, way to make out all night" and we just laughed...) and when we got home I found Travis sitting in the living room with my parents reading the paper with them. HILARIOUS. Ryan made breakfast for all of us while I showered and Meghan and Travis hung out and looked through my music library. We ate, I took Meghan home and the 3 of us set out again for another day in NYC, minus Arielle and Meghan.

We were SO tired from the night before so we all just relaxed bigtime on the train... Travis sat in the seat in front of Ryan and I and so the two of us just spent the entire trainride talking to each other, getting to know each other better... it was... quiet and reflective and it felt good to talk to this boy in person that I had definitely gotten to know VERY well on the physical level the night before. It was like.. the conversation I wished I could have had with Eric after him and I hooked up. We pretty much gave each other the run-down of our most recent exes and... lo and behold... our situations related VERY well to each other... except that everything I was saying to him about how I felt I had treated Adam, and why we broke up.. he was like "Wow, this sounds like it's coming right out of my exes mouth..." Yeah, I'm the bitch ex. And I said that to him. I was like "Wow, now you think I'm a total bitch now because I pretty much did the same thing to Adam that Stephanie did you to you" and.. I'll never forget this..... he leaned over, says "No.. you're good..." kisses me twice, and then kisses my nose.

And I seriously cannot go on for right now. It's almost 2AM. I have to be at work in 5 hours.

TO BE CONTINUED. Comment this if you can when you read it. I'll try finish the story tomorrow.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!