Dearest Meaghan Whom I Love More Than Anything -
Oh darling. Your life blows me away. And getting TWO e-mails from you in the space of 2 days (even though it wasn't supposed to be.. egads Internet) is a little overwhelming because I'm not sure of where to start responding! (PS - Berkeley just barged into my room and hopped up on my bed.. <3 doggies and I bet you miss Mickie like crazy :[ ) Well.. I think it's pretty much redundant to say at this point that I'm QUITE envious of your adventures! I wish you had the time/resources to tell me absolutely everything, every detail. I was telling my shrink the other day that even though I miss you like crazy, I'm like.. legit excited for you having these experiences. Like.. genuinely, genuinely happy that you're getting to experience this. Like I don't think I've ever been so vicariously stoked for anyone before. And she was pretty much like.. that only really exists with true blue friendships. Which.. duh.
I want to hear more about India - you mentioned about how you were kind of frustrated because you needed time to process everything since it was impacting you bigtime. I'm assuming it's probably because witnessing poverty like that firsthand must be incredibly harrowing. I can't even imagine what it must have been like. You really ARE going to come back to the States a totally changed woman and be so much more self-aware and probably take a lot less for granted. You must be doing so much self-reflection and growing up... damn girl. I'm so so so so proud of you for taking the experience and letting it affect you inwards instead of just being like all the other d-bags that you keep describing. I really can't wait until you get home and we can sit down and you can tell me all about it in person. I know it's not going to be like "Hey let's sit down and discuss the emotional impact your trip had on you in its entirety!" but just know that I really really really want to hear it. Because I was thinking about us and our friendship today (well and everyday really, but today specifically lol) and how I just know that we have so many years ahead of us together and how much I freakin care about you and what happens to you, good or bad. And when you wrote about how you wish I could just hop on a plane and come spend one of your trips with you or even the rest of the voyage I got all teary eyed because you have noooo freakin idea how badly I would love to! You and I Meaghan, we're going to be inseparable when you get back. Whenever I think about going back to school next semester, I actually get legit stoked thinking about how great it will be reuniting with you and Jessy. You guys have been so unbelievably there for me throughout these last few months (Jessy and I facebook privatemessage each other all the time.. she's got some interesting things going on lol) and I feel like this semester, for me, is making me appreciate what I've got in my life so so so so much more.... as I assume it is doing for you, although in an extremely extremely different way.
Malaysia obviously sounds like it was amazing. Tackling a foreign country like that completely independently is something that I have no idea if I could do successfully, but I guess you've had some practice in the last few months with navigating foreign countries! I want to hear more about the Angelo guy and the super incredible conversation you had with him... more deep emotional shit I imagine?! He made you cryyyy?? Meaghannnn! And hanging out with random boys til forever in the morning in a fucking foreign country... man, just articulating the situation like that completely blows me away. I can't even manage to hang out with random boys til forever in the morning in Pittsburgh. (Well, let's see how that goes now that I'm single.) I still can't get over how ridiculous this trip is for you. Completely amazing. I wish I was there with you.... but like I said, fuckin A man, I'm SO happy that you're getting to do it all.
I don't even know what to say about your soap opera life. Experiencing it there I'm sure it's driving you insane and reading it here it making me smile because I remember you told me once that "a little drama keeps things interesting" and it seems like that's exactly what it's doing for you there. Sucks that Kevin ended up being a douchebag but don't most boys turn out that way? What probably happened was that he was drunk somewhere and Christy just came onto him bigtime and what drunk guy is going to turn down someone who is serving it up bigtime? He will probably end up crawling all over you in Vietnam or Hong Kong (I have the website bookmarked with your itinerary !! :] ) and you'll be all about it. I bet you can't wait to see Jared though. That's AWESOME that he got himself an apartment. I guess you haven't talked to Eric but he told me a few weeks ago that he's getting his own place with his stepbrother in like mid May. If that pulls through I'm telling him to have a party for your return (and I will be in attendance, of course) and I'm sure Jared will have a party for you too! I pretty much just want all your friends to have parties at their places because when you get home I still won't be able to go out to the bar with you :(
As for your friends back home.. it sucks that you're not really hearing from any of them. Not even Maggie? I mean, she's totally totally busy with her life and has a thousand things going on.. it seems like that, anyway. But it bums me out that no one's contacting you. To be honest, I wasn't sure if you'd hear from any of the guys very much because it seems like you don't really keep THAT in touch with them when you're at school, you know? Sometimes it just sucks to know that people are too lazy to drop a line, but it's one of those things that helps you to define your real, dedicated friends and your whatever friends. I feel like at this point in my life I'm WELL versed in defining whatever friends and I want it to stop.... I want real friends!! Besides, Eric is just... a;sdliguposdiguopwuejga. He just really annoys me. You know how he always fronts about how he thinks he's such a nice guy, and he really cares about the girls in his life, and he's not an asshole, and he's always there for you... whatever. I was having a crappy night not too long ago and I texted him just to have some conversation and I told him I was in a bad mood and he pretty much told me he was drinking with other people and like.. let it end from there. Thanks Eric. Right there and then I was like.. forget this, if he wants to talk to me, he can text me. And he hasn't. So much for that. I mean, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that next time I see him we will hook up again, but that's pretty much it as far as him and I go. He was fun for a while, but now he's just got high school hoes writing all over his facebook wall. Typical.
As for my social life... it's doing alright. I went bowling last week with my AE staff and had a REALLY great time. I think I'm starting to become pretty good friends with some of the girls there, which is really great because I'm going to be with them all summer and it's nice to know that they want to hang out outside of work. The one girl Aimee just turned 21 and she's been inviting me out with her friends to go dancing and stuff lately but I haven't been able to because of work and such. Her and I bonded over music (she's a huge FOB and Saves the Day fan) and she's one of the nicest girls ever.. I said something to her like "Aw you're so nice, inviting the new girl out to make her feel welcome" and she was like "No I'm inviting you out because I like you and I want you to be there!!" I think her and I are gonna go to Warped Tour this summer (WHICH YOU BETTER COME TO ALSO) and she's such a sweetheart. This other girl, Ashley (I call her Deats) is becoming a pretty good friend too, her and I work together at AE almost every night and we've gone out a few times for food afterwards. She reminds me of JessKoleck in that she takes sex very lightly and has been with a gazillion guys but she's got a really sardonic sense of humor and cracks me up all the time. And oh boy... the AE situation is just ridiculous because of how all the managers hang out with the associates all the time. When we went bowling, Daryl (the stock manager, who's become like a surrogate big brother to me with all the life advice he's given me on Adam) bought me beer all night. I was sitting at a fucking table drinking beer with him and our other manager Tom (who is 22 and hasn't even graduated college yet), and I was like.... I'm hanging out and DRINKING with my managers right now. Ridic. Tom wants to take me out for my 21st too.. and he's super cute, and a total girl when it comes to.. well.. girls (you know how girls can be boycrazy.. Tom is girlcrazy) and I'm pretty sure he's going to fall in love with you on the spot because that's just how he is lol. Pretty much... it's fun to hang out with the AE kids and I'm hoping I'll continue to foster those relationships.... and apparently I still DO have a shot at getting promoted to a Lead position... I'll hopefully hear about that sooner rather than later. I want that fucking job more than anything, and I know I deserve it.
As for Barnes&Noble... the job sucks, and I really don't like it at all. The people are pretty rad though, but in a completely different way than the AE people. I don't even really know how to explain it, but I feel like I could never really successfully mix the two groups in a social setting. It's just... weird. But still fun. Meghan's birthday was today so she had a party at her apartment on Friday with a bunch of our work people and I got to bingedrink collegestyle for the first time since visiting YOU. I got quite fucking plastered on SoCo shots, danced to indie music like a weirdo, swiped an almostempty bottle of Smirnoff onto the floor, won a game of beer pong, taught everyone how to play Kings (and instituted your rule of IN THE ASS), dropped chocolate icecream onto my pants, and of course ended falling asleep in the bathroom Adrienne style (not NEARLY as bad as Halloween though) and eventually found myself curled up on the couch in the arms of.. .Gay John! Haha. Sometimes life cracks me up. I was supposed to be at Barnes&Noble at 9AM that morning and I was definitely still drunk when I woke up so I bullshit called off sick for the first time in YEARS at any job and went home and slept til 3:30pm in which I woke up, showered, and went in for a closing shift at AE. OH LIFE. They're good people, and I think we're going to have another party like that soon.
Oh man. What else? Travis (my Oklahoma friend.. the one I met on the internet like 7 years ago... if I haven't told you the full story about him I will in the next post) is flying up next weekend with his cute roommate to spend the weekend here with me. We're definitely going to hit NYC and see what we can do for fun there.. oh man, there will be LOTS of photographs taken. I'm sure I'll write a HUGE thing about that when it's over. Travis is a really really special person in my life and I want to take the time and tell you everything about it.
Randoms.... 1) Adam's birthday is next weekend, which also would have been our 3 year anniversary... luckily Travis will be here. Although I wish I could be drinking with you, as you did with me on yours and Anthony's wouldbe 3year anniversary... oh life. 2) I have SO much music I have to share with you when you get back. Cobra Starship is my favorite fucking band right now, Panic! has a new album out.. oh man. You're getting an amazing fucking mix the second I see you next. 3) I WANT TO COME SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET HOME. And the retarded this about this is, I have to request time off for it at Barnes&Noble like... now. Since they have a huge fucking staff I have to request days off ridiculously early in advance to ensure that I get them. So here is my question... when should I ask off to come see you? I don't know if you want me to ask for like the week AFTER you get back, so you have some time to detox and chill with your family and such, or if you'd rather I come up right away because you miss me oh-so-much :) Either one is fine. I won't be offended if you'd rather give yourself some time after you get home to just.. take it alll back in. 4) I WANT TO START PLANNING BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS. My birthday is on a fucking Tuesday which means Monday night we'll be hitting some random LongIsland bar.. and I don't know if we'll be able to find anything rockin' in NYC on a Tuesday night. I know we can find something Wednesday, and Thursday for SURE.. what I'm getting at is, I want you to come spend like 4 or 5 days with me in NY for my birthday, lol. I know it's not likely what with the fact that you're going to have to be working a TON since this trip is going to clean you out financially, but just know that you won't have to pay for any food at all and I will help with entertainment expenses since I work 50-60 fuckin hours a week and would love to spend the money on my longlost best friend.. God I know it's so far in advance but I just want to put this all in your head now.. give you something to look forward to since I know you don't ever want your trip to end. 5) I have most definitely been stoked on the postcards you've been sending. I got seriously awwwwwwwz when I got the one from Mauritius and I read how you wrote "I knew you'd like the fish on this one!" and I showed my mom and I was like "Look at how thoughtful my best friend isssss!!!" My mom seriously can't wait to meet you, since you pretty much saved my life and she's so sick of seeing me have lousy friends and is so happy that I have you. Haha.
It's 1:24AM and I know I'm starting to ramble. I have work at 11AM til 3 makin lattes and then again 4:30 til closing folding clothes, then bowling with the AE staff.. my life is ridic. Okay, it's not really that ridic, it's just ridic..ulously busy. YOURS, however, is quite ridonkulous. Oh, and... I have all the Buffy seasons on DVD, but no, not a one Angel season.. if you see any floating around for super cheap, definitely pick 'em up for me. I'll reimburse you :)
I FUCKING LOVE YOU. Enjoy the few days on the ship before your next adventure in Asia <3
Oh. And HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY BESTFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!
"I know, I know for sure
That life is beautiful around the world" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
in our calm, objective opinion...
I love how the first thing I do when I go to write you a lengthy message is skim the last one I wrote you to make sure I don't repeat myself! Oh lord. And of course I had way more to report then than I do now.
I'm laying in bed now and it's like 1:20 in the morning or so and I have work at 8AM, and I can't really bring myself to go to sleep. I feel restless and weird, like I want to go out and DO something.. but there isn't anything for me to do exactly. I was really unproductive today, since I had the day off and it was the first day off I've had in well.. probably a week and a half. I didn't get out of my PJs all day and that was cool, but now that its time to go to sleep I don't want to. I just feel... lonely. Yeah, that's it. I feel really lonely and I have for a little while now. It just... I'm starting to realize that the older you get, the more difficult it is to connect to people. I remember back in high school or whatever, it was SO easy to meet someone and just really feel like you meshed with them. At least thats how it was for me. Even if those friends didn't last longer than 2 years or whatever, I still felt that I was always around someone who I could really trust and be myself around. And I am just having a really hard time finding that out here. I feel expendable in a lot of people's lives and I hate feeling like that, like I don't really matter. Sure, I have the few friends I've made out here but I'm even having trouble connecting to them. Point is, I need a Meaghan Royce to turn up and save my life as you did a year ago. (PS - our 1 year anniversary is coming up!!!! Hahaha)
I'm just frustrated with a lot of stuff lately. This past week wasn't exactly what I'd call "good." It's like.. I have a blast at work with people all the time (specifically at AE) and I want to continue that into life after work, but no one ever really seems interested in hanging out with me. They've all got their own lives happening and its just difficult to be integrated into that. I really hope that with some time people will start inviting me out and following through with it and I can stop feeling so.. invisible outside of work.
I'm also extremely frustrated with my jobs - at B&N I want to strangle someone because they literally spent an entire week training me (and a bunch of other kids) on the cafe staff, on everything from making Starbucks drinks to cleaning the pastry cases, and opening day rolls around 3, almost 4 weeks ago and OOPS - someone forgot to schedule an appointment with the health inspector so we couldn't open the cafe. They've gotten the inspector in TWICE since then and guess what? They've failed both times due to some weird incorrect piping in the ceiling. So what do I get to do with my hours that they've scheduled me for? Nothing important - I've spent the last 3 weeks with a book scanner in my hand, alphabetizing and zoning out the sections. Usually alone. And its obvious that with all the cafe kids having to be put on the bookfloor that the managers have no idea what to do with us and are annoyed with the overstaff so all of us just pretty much feel useless and annoying and unappreciated. It sucks. And who knows when they'll actually open up the cafe and we'll get to do what we were trained to do. It's just.. frustrating.
And AE. Ugh. Meaghan, you know as well as anyone how much I love AE and working there but they frustrate me too. Pretty much I kick ass at my job, consistently, every day, and receive waterfalls of compliments from managers, associates and customers alike... and all I want is a promotion.. and they won't give it to me. Because I'm not planning on staying in New York past August and even though I'm willing and WANT to transfer to another store in Pittsburgh once we go back.. its just.. apparently not an option. And this makes me so angry because I work harder than almost all of their lead associates there, harder than some of the managers even, and I KNOW I deserve recognition for it and I've deserved the recognition for the last 2 years and haven't gotten it. I am getting paid pretty well ($8.25.. whats up!) and even though they don't have the payroll hours to officially schedule me more than like 15 a week, they call me in all the time and I usually average out at about 25 for the week... I don't know, Meaghan. Its just like, with work, with people... I feel unappreciated and unwanted. Am I missing something? I know you can't exactly answer that question for me but.. part of me thinks I'm right and part of me is wondering if I'm missing something. All this discontent piled on top of all the hurt I'm still carrying around about Adam.. it just hasn't been a good week.
The boy situation also seems to have completely plateaued. I haven't spoken to Bryce since the last encounter that I wrote you, Eric has been detached and I really don't want to be one of his hoes texting him all the time so I wait for him to text me, which lately hasn't really been happening. And other cute boy Chris.. has a girlfriend! UGH. And of course there are tons of cute ones at AE but it's just like it was before Adam... all of the boys are interested in the prettier girls and I'm just not one of them. I hate this fucking situation. I hate wanting the attention from the opposite sex and then very obviously NOT getting it.
And I hate Adam right now. I hate him. I hope he's completely failing at life, and fat, and miserable. You need to go read his blogspot - he wrote a really angsty entry in there about how he sucks at life. indierock413.blogspot.com. And while it offered me SOME comfort in knowing that he's not doing as well as he wants, I hated reading it because my first instinct was to call him and ask him what's wrong and to talk to me. But I won't do it. And he won't call me. And I want him to call me and tell me he misses me and still loves me and wants to try again because I'm worth it to him. But he won't. And.. dammit, Meaghan, I'm still hurting so badly over this and I want it to end. I KNOW I'm on the upswing here and that my life IS going to get better and I'm going to be a better person for all this but it doesn't help when all I want is for Adam to show up at my door and tell me that he wants us both to fix everything, together, the way it should be. I still feel like... we're supposed to be together. And we're not. And God only KNOWS what he's doing out at State and I just want him to hold me and tell me he loves me. And fuck.. I'm going to cry.
Pretty much the point of the story is that I really wish I had some male support here. Sometimes you just need a guy to hug you and tell you you don't suck. I wish I had Nick, or even Eric. But like I said.. Eric's been detached and I think that's probably because he knows that something between us is an impossibility for a thousand reasons. We talked on the phone like a week or 2 ago and that topic came up... basically how he told me how he never wants to put himself in a long distance relationship, and I agreed with him and told him that "you know how regular relationships are all about compromise and sacrifice? a long distance relationship is so much sacrifice that you can't even begin to realize how much you'll give up until you've done it." So like.. I think he's definitely interested in me because he's TOLD me so but since it just can't happen between us, maybe that's why he's keeping his distance. I don't know. I wish I talked to him more, though. We texted briefly tonight but it was pretty much him just saying he was going to sleep soon.. otherwise I might be texting him about how shitty I feel right now and not pouring it out here.
I don't want to bring you down with my bullshit. I mean, realistically I don't think it WILL, you've got so much awesome shit going on there and it's not like I'm saying that my stuff isn't important to you, but it is very far away from you. Regardless... you're one of the only people I feel like it's okay to tell all this stuff to. Because you won't judge and you won't roll your eyes about how I'm being stupid or bitchy (at least I hope not!!). Just.. fuck, man, I miss you SO much. I loved reading your Mauritius adventures (lets be honest, I love reading about ALL your adventures) and I was so excited to see that you finally got to dance to your song (can I tell you that whenever I hear it on the radio here, my mind immediately goes to you and I dancing to it at some club for my 21st? Lets make it happen.) and UHHH YEAH making out in the ocean at night in a paradise sounding country pretty much sounds like a fucking dream come true. I am NOT going to lie about how envious I am of you. Part of me wishes that as soon as Adam and I broke up that I scrambled to apply to SAS with you, haha. I don't doubt that an adventure like that would be a good cure for a broken heart. I hate that you lost your camera, though. But hey - at least losing it makes for a good story, right? Maybe we should go to Mauritius for spring break next year and hunt down the guy who cleans the beach and see if he is still using your camera. Haha. And you know exactly what I'm going to say about that Christy ho and how she was all territorial about Kevin - fuck that, sucks for her, and she needs to realize she doesn't own the world or boys and get over it. Seriously, the maturity level of those Pitt girls sounds like it's astounding, really. I hate that it didn't work out with them for you because you were so stoked on hanging with them for the semester. But at least you're making it work with the other friends you've gotten along the way. I'm stoked you've got this Dave dude in the mix, now.. I just went off on a rant about how I wish I had some testosterone in my life so I can definitely appreciate you needing some as well. Sure, I've got my gay John, but Meaghan, he is GAY. Totally, completely, 100% crab people fagged out GAY. It's actually kind of funny because his personality reminds me a lot of Dom. He's very cynical and makes inappropriate jokes about minorities and is very socially and politically minded, and I think that if they ever crossed paths they'd get along fantastically until John told Dom he was gay. Haha. I was telling him and Meghan about that the other night but of course they can't really appreciate the beauty of the hypothetical situation because they don't know Dom. And therein lies another problem.. about how Dom and I aren't friends anymore. Fuck. That.. hurts. Fuck, man.
I also wanted to drop in a few more gems of things that might make you smile... 1) I friended Jared on Facebook, 2) Cartel - "Wasted" is one of my favorite songs right now, thanks to Meaghan Mix Dos, 3) I've gotten like 4 people asking me about subletting for next semester but Jessy's pretty much fielding the interviews (if you could call it that??!) since she's out at school, 4) If it's okay with you, I'm taking off work for pretty much as soon as you get home and jetting the fuck out to Pennsylvania so we can have a wonderful and tearful reunion, and then we can get plastered. I'll even buy a new beer bong for the occasion.
I fucking adore you, kid. I can't wait to hear from you soon.
I'm laying in bed now and it's like 1:20 in the morning or so and I have work at 8AM, and I can't really bring myself to go to sleep. I feel restless and weird, like I want to go out and DO something.. but there isn't anything for me to do exactly. I was really unproductive today, since I had the day off and it was the first day off I've had in well.. probably a week and a half. I didn't get out of my PJs all day and that was cool, but now that its time to go to sleep I don't want to. I just feel... lonely. Yeah, that's it. I feel really lonely and I have for a little while now. It just... I'm starting to realize that the older you get, the more difficult it is to connect to people. I remember back in high school or whatever, it was SO easy to meet someone and just really feel like you meshed with them. At least thats how it was for me. Even if those friends didn't last longer than 2 years or whatever, I still felt that I was always around someone who I could really trust and be myself around. And I am just having a really hard time finding that out here. I feel expendable in a lot of people's lives and I hate feeling like that, like I don't really matter. Sure, I have the few friends I've made out here but I'm even having trouble connecting to them. Point is, I need a Meaghan Royce to turn up and save my life as you did a year ago. (PS - our 1 year anniversary is coming up!!!! Hahaha)
I'm just frustrated with a lot of stuff lately. This past week wasn't exactly what I'd call "good." It's like.. I have a blast at work with people all the time (specifically at AE) and I want to continue that into life after work, but no one ever really seems interested in hanging out with me. They've all got their own lives happening and its just difficult to be integrated into that. I really hope that with some time people will start inviting me out and following through with it and I can stop feeling so.. invisible outside of work.
I'm also extremely frustrated with my jobs - at B&N I want to strangle someone because they literally spent an entire week training me (and a bunch of other kids) on the cafe staff, on everything from making Starbucks drinks to cleaning the pastry cases, and opening day rolls around 3, almost 4 weeks ago and OOPS - someone forgot to schedule an appointment with the health inspector so we couldn't open the cafe. They've gotten the inspector in TWICE since then and guess what? They've failed both times due to some weird incorrect piping in the ceiling. So what do I get to do with my hours that they've scheduled me for? Nothing important - I've spent the last 3 weeks with a book scanner in my hand, alphabetizing and zoning out the sections. Usually alone. And its obvious that with all the cafe kids having to be put on the bookfloor that the managers have no idea what to do with us and are annoyed with the overstaff so all of us just pretty much feel useless and annoying and unappreciated. It sucks. And who knows when they'll actually open up the cafe and we'll get to do what we were trained to do. It's just.. frustrating.
And AE. Ugh. Meaghan, you know as well as anyone how much I love AE and working there but they frustrate me too. Pretty much I kick ass at my job, consistently, every day, and receive waterfalls of compliments from managers, associates and customers alike... and all I want is a promotion.. and they won't give it to me. Because I'm not planning on staying in New York past August and even though I'm willing and WANT to transfer to another store in Pittsburgh once we go back.. its just.. apparently not an option. And this makes me so angry because I work harder than almost all of their lead associates there, harder than some of the managers even, and I KNOW I deserve recognition for it and I've deserved the recognition for the last 2 years and haven't gotten it. I am getting paid pretty well ($8.25.. whats up!) and even though they don't have the payroll hours to officially schedule me more than like 15 a week, they call me in all the time and I usually average out at about 25 for the week... I don't know, Meaghan. Its just like, with work, with people... I feel unappreciated and unwanted. Am I missing something? I know you can't exactly answer that question for me but.. part of me thinks I'm right and part of me is wondering if I'm missing something. All this discontent piled on top of all the hurt I'm still carrying around about Adam.. it just hasn't been a good week.
The boy situation also seems to have completely plateaued. I haven't spoken to Bryce since the last encounter that I wrote you, Eric has been detached and I really don't want to be one of his hoes texting him all the time so I wait for him to text me, which lately hasn't really been happening. And other cute boy Chris.. has a girlfriend! UGH. And of course there are tons of cute ones at AE but it's just like it was before Adam... all of the boys are interested in the prettier girls and I'm just not one of them. I hate this fucking situation. I hate wanting the attention from the opposite sex and then very obviously NOT getting it.
And I hate Adam right now. I hate him. I hope he's completely failing at life, and fat, and miserable. You need to go read his blogspot - he wrote a really angsty entry in there about how he sucks at life. indierock413.blogspot.com. And while it offered me SOME comfort in knowing that he's not doing as well as he wants, I hated reading it because my first instinct was to call him and ask him what's wrong and to talk to me. But I won't do it. And he won't call me. And I want him to call me and tell me he misses me and still loves me and wants to try again because I'm worth it to him. But he won't. And.. dammit, Meaghan, I'm still hurting so badly over this and I want it to end. I KNOW I'm on the upswing here and that my life IS going to get better and I'm going to be a better person for all this but it doesn't help when all I want is for Adam to show up at my door and tell me that he wants us both to fix everything, together, the way it should be. I still feel like... we're supposed to be together. And we're not. And God only KNOWS what he's doing out at State and I just want him to hold me and tell me he loves me. And fuck.. I'm going to cry.
Pretty much the point of the story is that I really wish I had some male support here. Sometimes you just need a guy to hug you and tell you you don't suck. I wish I had Nick, or even Eric. But like I said.. Eric's been detached and I think that's probably because he knows that something between us is an impossibility for a thousand reasons. We talked on the phone like a week or 2 ago and that topic came up... basically how he told me how he never wants to put himself in a long distance relationship, and I agreed with him and told him that "you know how regular relationships are all about compromise and sacrifice? a long distance relationship is so much sacrifice that you can't even begin to realize how much you'll give up until you've done it." So like.. I think he's definitely interested in me because he's TOLD me so but since it just can't happen between us, maybe that's why he's keeping his distance. I don't know. I wish I talked to him more, though. We texted briefly tonight but it was pretty much him just saying he was going to sleep soon.. otherwise I might be texting him about how shitty I feel right now and not pouring it out here.
I don't want to bring you down with my bullshit. I mean, realistically I don't think it WILL, you've got so much awesome shit going on there and it's not like I'm saying that my stuff isn't important to you, but it is very far away from you. Regardless... you're one of the only people I feel like it's okay to tell all this stuff to. Because you won't judge and you won't roll your eyes about how I'm being stupid or bitchy (at least I hope not!!). Just.. fuck, man, I miss you SO much. I loved reading your Mauritius adventures (lets be honest, I love reading about ALL your adventures) and I was so excited to see that you finally got to dance to your song (can I tell you that whenever I hear it on the radio here, my mind immediately goes to you and I dancing to it at some club for my 21st? Lets make it happen.) and UHHH YEAH making out in the ocean at night in a paradise sounding country pretty much sounds like a fucking dream come true. I am NOT going to lie about how envious I am of you. Part of me wishes that as soon as Adam and I broke up that I scrambled to apply to SAS with you, haha. I don't doubt that an adventure like that would be a good cure for a broken heart. I hate that you lost your camera, though. But hey - at least losing it makes for a good story, right? Maybe we should go to Mauritius for spring break next year and hunt down the guy who cleans the beach and see if he is still using your camera. Haha. And you know exactly what I'm going to say about that Christy ho and how she was all territorial about Kevin - fuck that, sucks for her, and she needs to realize she doesn't own the world or boys and get over it. Seriously, the maturity level of those Pitt girls sounds like it's astounding, really. I hate that it didn't work out with them for you because you were so stoked on hanging with them for the semester. But at least you're making it work with the other friends you've gotten along the way. I'm stoked you've got this Dave dude in the mix, now.. I just went off on a rant about how I wish I had some testosterone in my life so I can definitely appreciate you needing some as well. Sure, I've got my gay John, but Meaghan, he is GAY. Totally, completely, 100% crab people fagged out GAY. It's actually kind of funny because his personality reminds me a lot of Dom. He's very cynical and makes inappropriate jokes about minorities and is very socially and politically minded, and I think that if they ever crossed paths they'd get along fantastically until John told Dom he was gay. Haha. I was telling him and Meghan about that the other night but of course they can't really appreciate the beauty of the hypothetical situation because they don't know Dom. And therein lies another problem.. about how Dom and I aren't friends anymore. Fuck. That.. hurts. Fuck, man.
I also wanted to drop in a few more gems of things that might make you smile... 1) I friended Jared on Facebook, 2) Cartel - "Wasted" is one of my favorite songs right now, thanks to Meaghan Mix Dos, 3) I've gotten like 4 people asking me about subletting for next semester but Jessy's pretty much fielding the interviews (if you could call it that??!) since she's out at school, 4) If it's okay with you, I'm taking off work for pretty much as soon as you get home and jetting the fuck out to Pennsylvania so we can have a wonderful and tearful reunion, and then we can get plastered. I'll even buy a new beer bong for the occasion.
I fucking adore you, kid. I can't wait to hear from you soon.
good morning! (well, for you anyway)
Hi darling! Welcome to my blog that has one reader... you. Now that you can read my updates for free, and respond to me for free through your SAS postcards.... we can communicate for free!! Isn't that awesome?
Here's some pictures...
It looks a lot like Arielle's hair color.. ironic for this photo, because that's also her shirt!
Emo selfshots. LOVE THEM.
So what if I tinker with the color???
Friends!!!!!!
Meghan & John... cutsies.
New friends are goldennnnn. Also drunk. Well, I am in this anyway. Haha.
Arielle & boyfriend Ryan at their junior banquet! I love Ryan, he's hysterical.
Now for life at home......
Look how big little Indiefrolick is getting!!!!
And Berkeley, looking awesome as always. Plus Indie's tail.
What I've been doing with my spare time....
.... and what I HAVEN'T been doing in my spare time. Egads. It's bad.
Also what I haven't been doing in my spare time. The new season started a few weeks ago and I've only managed to watch the first one. Oops. But I've been watching Angel, the show 2 above it, like crazy. It's the Buffy spinoff and Arielle and I tivo and watch it almost every night.
THAT'S FOR YOU SWEETHEART.
Here's some pictures...
It looks a lot like Arielle's hair color.. ironic for this photo, because that's also her shirt!
Emo selfshots. LOVE THEM.
So what if I tinker with the color???
Friends!!!!!!
Meghan & John... cutsies.
New friends are goldennnnn. Also drunk. Well, I am in this anyway. Haha.
Arielle & boyfriend Ryan at their junior banquet! I love Ryan, he's hysterical.
Now for life at home......
Look how big little Indiefrolick is getting!!!!
And Berkeley, looking awesome as always. Plus Indie's tail.
What I've been doing with my spare time....
.... and what I HAVEN'T been doing in my spare time. Egads. It's bad.
Also what I haven't been doing in my spare time. The new season started a few weeks ago and I've only managed to watch the first one. Oops. But I've been watching Angel, the show 2 above it, like crazy. It's the Buffy spinoff and Arielle and I tivo and watch it almost every night.
THAT'S FOR YOU SWEETHEART.
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