in our calm, objective opinion...

I love how the first thing I do when I go to write you a lengthy message is skim the last one I wrote you to make sure I don't repeat myself! Oh lord. And of course I had way more to report then than I do now.

I'm laying in bed now and it's like 1:20 in the morning or so and I have work at 8AM, and I can't really bring myself to go to sleep. I feel restless and weird, like I want to go out and DO something.. but there isn't anything for me to do exactly. I was really unproductive today, since I had the day off and it was the first day off I've had in well.. probably a week and a half. I didn't get out of my PJs all day and that was cool, but now that its time to go to sleep I don't want to. I just feel... lonely. Yeah, that's it. I feel really lonely and I have for a little while now. It just... I'm starting to realize that the older you get, the more difficult it is to connect to people. I remember back in high school or whatever, it was SO easy to meet someone and just really feel like you meshed with them. At least thats how it was for me. Even if those friends didn't last longer than 2 years or whatever, I still felt that I was always around someone who I could really trust and be myself around. And I am just having a really hard time finding that out here. I feel expendable in a lot of people's lives and I hate feeling like that, like I don't really matter. Sure, I have the few friends I've made out here but I'm even having trouble connecting to them. Point is, I need a Meaghan Royce to turn up and save my life as you did a year ago. (PS - our 1 year anniversary is coming up!!!! Hahaha)

I'm just frustrated with a lot of stuff lately. This past week wasn't exactly what I'd call "good." It's like.. I have a blast at work with people all the time (specifically at AE) and I want to continue that into life after work, but no one ever really seems interested in hanging out with me. They've all got their own lives happening and its just difficult to be integrated into that. I really hope that with some time people will start inviting me out and following through with it and I can stop feeling so.. invisible outside of work.

I'm also extremely frustrated with my jobs - at B&N I want to strangle someone because they literally spent an entire week training me (and a bunch of other kids) on the cafe staff, on everything from making Starbucks drinks to cleaning the pastry cases, and opening day rolls around 3, almost 4 weeks ago and OOPS - someone forgot to schedule an appointment with the health inspector so we couldn't open the cafe. They've gotten the inspector in TWICE since then and guess what? They've failed both times due to some weird incorrect piping in the ceiling. So what do I get to do with my hours that they've scheduled me for? Nothing important - I've spent the last 3 weeks with a book scanner in my hand, alphabetizing and zoning out the sections. Usually alone. And its obvious that with all the cafe kids having to be put on the bookfloor that the managers have no idea what to do with us and are annoyed with the overstaff so all of us just pretty much feel useless and annoying and unappreciated. It sucks. And who knows when they'll actually open up the cafe and we'll get to do what we were trained to do. It's just.. frustrating.

And AE. Ugh. Meaghan, you know as well as anyone how much I love AE and working there but they frustrate me too. Pretty much I kick ass at my job, consistently, every day, and receive waterfalls of compliments from managers, associates and customers alike... and all I want is a promotion.. and they won't give it to me. Because I'm not planning on staying in New York past August and even though I'm willing and WANT to transfer to another store in Pittsburgh once we go back.. its just.. apparently not an option. And this makes me so angry because I work harder than almost all of their lead associates there, harder than some of the managers even, and I KNOW I deserve recognition for it and I've deserved the recognition for the last 2 years and haven't gotten it. I am getting paid pretty well ($8.25.. whats up!) and even though they don't have the payroll hours to officially schedule me more than like 15 a week, they call me in all the time and I usually average out at about 25 for the week... I don't know, Meaghan. Its just like, with work, with people... I feel unappreciated and unwanted. Am I missing something? I know you can't exactly answer that question for me but.. part of me thinks I'm right and part of me is wondering if I'm missing something. All this discontent piled on top of all the hurt I'm still carrying around about Adam.. it just hasn't been a good week.

The boy situation also seems to have completely plateaued. I haven't spoken to Bryce since the last encounter that I wrote you, Eric has been detached and I really don't want to be one of his hoes texting him all the time so I wait for him to text me, which lately hasn't really been happening. And other cute boy Chris.. has a girlfriend! UGH. And of course there are tons of cute ones at AE but it's just like it was before Adam... all of the boys are interested in the prettier girls and I'm just not one of them. I hate this fucking situation. I hate wanting the attention from the opposite sex and then very obviously NOT getting it.

And I hate Adam right now. I hate him. I hope he's completely failing at life, and fat, and miserable. You need to go read his blogspot - he wrote a really angsty entry in there about how he sucks at life. indierock413.blogspot.com. And while it offered me SOME comfort in knowing that he's not doing as well as he wants, I hated reading it because my first instinct was to call him and ask him what's wrong and to talk to me. But I won't do it. And he won't call me. And I want him to call me and tell me he misses me and still loves me and wants to try again because I'm worth it to him. But he won't. And.. dammit, Meaghan, I'm still hurting so badly over this and I want it to end. I KNOW I'm on the upswing here and that my life IS going to get better and I'm going to be a better person for all this but it doesn't help when all I want is for Adam to show up at my door and tell me that he wants us both to fix everything, together, the way it should be. I still feel like... we're supposed to be together. And we're not. And God only KNOWS what he's doing out at State and I just want him to hold me and tell me he loves me. And fuck.. I'm going to cry.

Pretty much the point of the story is that I really wish I had some male support here. Sometimes you just need a guy to hug you and tell you you don't suck. I wish I had Nick, or even Eric. But like I said.. Eric's been detached and I think that's probably because he knows that something between us is an impossibility for a thousand reasons. We talked on the phone like a week or 2 ago and that topic came up... basically how he told me how he never wants to put himself in a long distance relationship, and I agreed with him and told him that "you know how regular relationships are all about compromise and sacrifice? a long distance relationship is so much sacrifice that you can't even begin to realize how much you'll give up until you've done it." So like.. I think he's definitely interested in me because he's TOLD me so but since it just can't happen between us, maybe that's why he's keeping his distance. I don't know. I wish I talked to him more, though. We texted briefly tonight but it was pretty much him just saying he was going to sleep soon.. otherwise I might be texting him about how shitty I feel right now and not pouring it out here.

I don't want to bring you down with my bullshit. I mean, realistically I don't think it WILL, you've got so much awesome shit going on there and it's not like I'm saying that my stuff isn't important to you, but it is very far away from you. Regardless... you're one of the only people I feel like it's okay to tell all this stuff to. Because you won't judge and you won't roll your eyes about how I'm being stupid or bitchy (at least I hope not!!). Just.. fuck, man, I miss you SO much. I loved reading your Mauritius adventures (lets be honest, I love reading about ALL your adventures) and I was so excited to see that you finally got to dance to your song (can I tell you that whenever I hear it on the radio here, my mind immediately goes to you and I dancing to it at some club for my 21st? Lets make it happen.) and UHHH YEAH making out in the ocean at night in a paradise sounding country pretty much sounds like a fucking dream come true. I am NOT going to lie about how envious I am of you. Part of me wishes that as soon as Adam and I broke up that I scrambled to apply to SAS with you, haha. I don't doubt that an adventure like that would be a good cure for a broken heart. I hate that you lost your camera, though. But hey - at least losing it makes for a good story, right? Maybe we should go to Mauritius for spring break next year and hunt down the guy who cleans the beach and see if he is still using your camera. Haha. And you know exactly what I'm going to say about that Christy ho and how she was all territorial about Kevin - fuck that, sucks for her, and she needs to realize she doesn't own the world or boys and get over it. Seriously, the maturity level of those Pitt girls sounds like it's astounding, really. I hate that it didn't work out with them for you because you were so stoked on hanging with them for the semester. But at least you're making it work with the other friends you've gotten along the way. I'm stoked you've got this Dave dude in the mix, now.. I just went off on a rant about how I wish I had some testosterone in my life so I can definitely appreciate you needing some as well. Sure, I've got my gay John, but Meaghan, he is GAY. Totally, completely, 100% crab people fagged out GAY. It's actually kind of funny because his personality reminds me a lot of Dom. He's very cynical and makes inappropriate jokes about minorities and is very socially and politically minded, and I think that if they ever crossed paths they'd get along fantastically until John told Dom he was gay. Haha. I was telling him and Meghan about that the other night but of course they can't really appreciate the beauty of the hypothetical situation because they don't know Dom. And therein lies another problem.. about how Dom and I aren't friends anymore. Fuck. That.. hurts. Fuck, man.

I also wanted to drop in a few more gems of things that might make you smile... 1) I friended Jared on Facebook, 2) Cartel - "Wasted" is one of my favorite songs right now, thanks to Meaghan Mix Dos, 3) I've gotten like 4 people asking me about subletting for next semester but Jessy's pretty much fielding the interviews (if you could call it that??!) since she's out at school, 4) If it's okay with you, I'm taking off work for pretty much as soon as you get home and jetting the fuck out to Pennsylvania so we can have a wonderful and tearful reunion, and then we can get plastered. I'll even buy a new beer bong for the occasion.

I fucking adore you, kid. I can't wait to hear from you soon.